Vote Conservative!

The Conservative leadership battle rages on like a bad hairdo in filthy drizzle, sucking the life out of everyone and everything it touches. But it’s not all good – there are so many candidates it’s hard to know who stands for what, why, and where. Well worry no more – here’s your handy guide to What Twot Believes What:

Matt Hancock
“We need to keep no-deal on the table.”

Andrea Leadsom
“We need to keep no-deal under the table.”

Michael Gove
“We need to keep no-deal near the table.”

Sajid Javid
“We need to nail no-deal to the table with British nails.”

Kit Malthouse
“We need to choose carefully the table upon which no-deal will be kept.”

James Cleverly
“I will repaint the table or maybe varnish it, wait patiently for it to dry, then place no-deal on it.”

Rory Stewart
“The table is broken. I will hand-make a new table using tools made from the will of the people then, when everyone is happy with the table, I will put no-deal back on it.”

Mark Harper
“I don’t know who I am. Oo, is that a table?”

Boris Johnson
“Three hundred and fifty million tables to the NHS every week.”

Esther McVey
“Does the table come with chairs or are they extra?”

Dominic Raab
“I’ve failed to understand how close no-deal was to the table.”

Jeremy Hunt
“Table.”

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