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Coronavirus: Britain in lockdown

Boris Johnson looking pissed off because coronavirus means he has to do some work
Porridge and hay: the face of Britain

In an attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, Britain has been ordered into lockdown, which in reality is far less dramatic than it sounds and generally involves a lot more sighing and watching stuff on YouTube.

The government’s extreme response to COVID-19 has shocked idiots sitting in Wetherspoons bragging about their spare bedroom full of hand sanitiser and dried pasta, who thought social distancing meant waiting an extra five minutes before replying to a text message.

The new rules mean that police are now able to shoot anyone who looks a bit peaky and can hand out fines to anyone they believe is thinking about coughing. Congregating on internet forums is banned, as is group messaging. The only exceptions to the lockdown are for:

  • Manufacturing toilet roll
  • Getting more toilet roll in
  • Going to the shops to ask when they’ll be getting more toilet roll in

In an attempt to address the toilet paper shortage, the NHS has issued advice reminding people that the Daily Mail is still being printed.