Coronavirus: Matt Hancock unveils plans to unveil plans

Secretary of State for Planning Matt Hancock announcing government plans to ramp up planning
Matt Hancock, not to be confused with millinery-themed male stripper Hat Mancock

Clammy flannel Matt Hancock announced yesterday the UK government’s plans to announce plans to put in place plans to unveil plans to deal with plans relating to plans the government is planning to plan.

“We understand we have failed to do anything remotely useful,” Hancock told comatose journalists at today’s planning briefing, “but we are planning to ramp up plans to deal with the planned spike in planning we are planning to see in order to fix the rising planning curve we are experiencing through the fruition of our plans to plan plans.

“This should enable us to reduce significantly the number of plans we are seeing daily, though it has been brought to our attention that some areas of planning may have been under-reported and there may be plans we have failed to take into account. We have a plan to deal with this. Several, in fact.

“With regard to the PPE – the Personal Planning Equipment – we are planning to distribute pens and paper to the frontline planners as soon as we have a plan on how to do that.”

When questioned about the large numbers of people in the UK who have died from the coronavirus, Hancock admitted, “We hadn’t planned for that.”