Priti Patel, Is the end of a bell.
“…I tell you, sharks are crazy. Did you know there’s a type of shark called a shit shark? It lives in San Francisco and runs a coffee shop. Shunned by all the other sharks. They live in the sea, you know, mostly, the sharks do. That’s ridiculous, but the sharks don’t know that. All they do is swim around and eat people. They say the sharks are part of the deep state but I don’t know, you know.
“I had a shark guy call me up on the phone – I don’t think he was a guy who was also a shark, I think he was a shark genius – and he told me they caught a shark living in an apartment in France that was 35 feet long and when they cut it open they found a guy living in there – he had a sofa-bed and an oil lamp, TV, everything. Split level grill. Sharks are crazy, just crazy.
“They used sharks during the war, you know – the Vietnam War, that was a great war – they’d sneak up on our troops in the jungles, just terrible. That was the reason we lost that war, the sharks. And Obama. What’s this rectangle on a pole here, what is that? Why does my thumb look like a penis? Sharks are rigging the election. Vote for me as many times as you can, goodnight!”
Golf: Drama in the sport of dullards as reasonably famous golfer Braxton Slacks (above) was disqualified from the Anusol Soothing Eighteen Holes Outdoor Open Masters Open Tournament Masters for an overt use of telekinesis. Further up the field (also known as the fairway), hot favourites Roundabout Spleen and Tom Golfer were erased from existence by an as yet unborn golf-hating time traveller.
Baseball: Drama on Saturday as the Minnesota Baseball Players beat the Pittsburgh Douchebags by 16 cases of coronavirus to 9. As a result Major League Baseball has announced that future games will take place with each team in a separate stadium on different continents and the commentators on the International Space Station.
Tennis: Drama erupted this weekend for the first time in tennis history when world number one Willie Waever was disqualified from his match with fellow world number one Chutney Gimbal for arguing with the umpire, the net, the grass, a man he called at random on his mobile phone, and the sky.
Chivalry: Drama at the North European World Pan-Asian Chivalry Finals when top doubles teaming Pimples O’Frimp and Towser Brony tossed their cloaks onto rival pair Trapezium Jones and Yampers Gymbag’s puddle, causing widespread swooning.
Cricket: Drama in the third test twice removed between France and Kazakhstan in the North Atlantic when both teams were swallowed by an unusually large penguin.
“Hello, we’re the Secret Police. Shit, wait, no, forget I said that.”
“I’ll fucking cut you, you old fucker!”