Shock as racist resigns from Fox News

Tucker Carlson, beady-eyed host of Tucker Carlson Would Stab You in the Face in a Fight Over a Dollar, pictured here being a smug turd
Tucker isn’t a real name

“Hi, I’m Tucker Chip Scooter Mitt Remington Carlson Jr. III, host of top Fox News show Tucker Carlson Pisses on Your Existence, and I’m here to tell you that I am shocked – shocked – to discover that my head writer had secretly made racist comments on my script and that I had unknowingly read them out on the air to my 596 viewers.

“I had no way of knowing that the words I was speaking were hateful, privileged, profoundly ignorant and bigoted, and I want to reassure every single one of my viewers – who I know by name – that, despite the resignation of my head writer, there is no shortage of inadequate middle-aged white men with chips on their shoulders lining up to replace him.

“In the meantime the show will continue with me shouting ethnic slurs into the camera to own the libs, and I’ll probably throw in some misogyny just to mix it up. I’m Tucker Carlson, yes my hair is real, and you’re a piece of shit. Goodnight.”

PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”

Ban this sick filth

Last week I was handed a 12 hour ban by Twitter for my October 17th tweet “Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt’s cunt.“. I appealed the ban, but the appeal was unsuccessful.

A screenshot of my appeal against my Twitter ban
Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt’s cunt.

After a bit of thought, I decided to delete the offending tweet and, 12 hours later, I returned to Twitter. “Twitter gave me a 12 hour ban for, and forced me to delete, my “Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt’s cunt” tweet. Which is odd, because Jacob Rees-Mogg really *is* the cunt’s cunt.” I said, knowing full well what would happen.

And it did. About an hour ago Twitter handed me a seven day ban, which will start when I delete the offending tweet about the offending tweet. I’ve appealed the ban.

A screenshot of my appeal against my second Twitter ban.
Jacob Rees-Mogg really *is* the cunt’s cunt.

I’m waiting for Twitter’s response, but I’m not hopeful.

To be clear, I’m not whingeing about Twitter banning me. It’s their site, they can enforce their rules however they see fit. For a site brimming with misogynists and fascists who issue death threats with gay abandon, though, my ban for expressing a non-violent, non-threatening personal opinion about a man who is quite clearly the cunt’s cunt seems like a misapplication of resources. I’m sure that cunt Jacob Rees-Mogg would disagree.

Update 2019-10-30: Twitter rejected my appeal, so I have deleted the offending tweet about the offending tweet, starting the countdown to the end of my seven day ban. In the meantime I can be found @ncguk1.