Boris the Builder: “If you build it I will come”

Britain's Prime Minister Doris Bronson fisting a speech
“I’m going to build things with your bare hands!”

“…And to those who say Build Build Build is an unimaginative slogan I say, it’s a lazy slogan more than it is unimaginative. But that’s beside the point. We’re going to build, baby, we’re going to build big tall things and do things with roads and we’re going to build a bridge to the Moon, motherfuckers, a big bridge so we can trade cheese with the Moon Men. Those Moon Men love cheese. It’s a new deal. The old deal was pretty shitty and so is the new one, but it’s a new type of shitty deal for the 21st century – extra shitty and with less privacy somehow. Build build build until we get tired or run out of building materials. The whole country’s going to sound like hammering and there’ll be builders’ cracks as far as the eye can see, baby. That’s Britain, motherfuckers – arse cracks and banging. Plus there’s going to be a 300ft tall solid gold statue of me in Parliament Square, sticking my cock in Churchill’s ear. Brexit Britain!”

Trump: I invented everything and made it famous

Donald Trump, pictured here being a narcissistic douchebag
“Coffee tables, no-one could put their coffee and coffee table books anywhere before that.”

“…Space, yeah, I invented that. I invented cars, I made them famous. I was the first person to put spaghetti with meatballs, not a lot of people know that. And computers. I made them famous, I invented them, invented the Microsoft, the Windows, you know. Elastic, tennis balls, smoke. I invented them. I invented smoke. Skin cream. I thought of that. No-one had thought of that until I thought of that. Birthday cards. People just used to go, you know, “Hey”, to people when it was their birthday until I invented the birthday card. First aid was one of mine. Before that there was only second aid. Gravel. Iceland. Peacocks. All mine. And let me tell you, I created reminders. Everyone, they’d forget things all the time until reminders came along. I did captions too. No-one knew what photographs were about until captions came along. I’m just naming things now, but then I invented naming things…”

That Dominic Cummings statement in full

Dominic Cummings, pictured here delivering his concise and believable statement
My vision had been a bit weird…

“Good day. I have been asked here against my will so that I can explain my actions during the lockdown and the thinking behind them.

“So basically what happened was, on the Thursday I think it was or maybe the Friday – it was day 14 of the lockdown so probably Tuesday the 11th – me or my wife – I’m not sure which – had symptoms of COVID so I immediately got out of or into my car – I’m not sure which – and drove to the house to collect my wife and child.

“I then drove them to my parents’ house in County Durham which had a spare house inside it – not even a nice house, it’s just wattle and daub and spiders – then I drove back home, only to realise I’d left my wife and child in the car. I dropped them at the house – I’m not sure which house – and immediately drove them back to County Durham. At that point I realised I had already dropped my wife and child off in County Durham, so now I had two wives and two children.

“At this point one of my wives – I’m not sure which one – was sick, so I immediately drove to London to buy some paracetamol. Did I mention there was no childcare available and phones hadn’t been invented yet? Anyway, by this time my COVID symptoms were causing me to hallucinate big ducks, which made the trip back to County Durham a bit of a worry, so I drove to County Durham, picked up my wives and children and drove to Plymouth to see if I was up to driving to Durham. At no point did I leave my parents’ land.

We stayed in Plymouth no more than thirty seconds before driving back to County Durham with my wives and children, picking up my wives and children, and driving back to London. At this point I could barely get out of bed and my now four wives and four children were concerned that there was no childcare of any sort available for me. They then drove to County Durham to buy some petrol and I was cleared to return to work.

“I’m sure some people will find this explanation unreasonable but the lockdown rules clearly state that it isn’t. I hope this clears up the matter. Now I must depart in my ornithopter as I have a meeting in Tring. Good day.”

PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”

Trump: all about the numbers

Donald Trump mimics the position he assumes when he meets Vladimir Putin
Numbers numbers numbers numbers numbers numbers

“So the numbers are looking really good. We’re seeing great numbers, amazing numbers really, numbers like you’ve never seen before. Big numbers. Huge. You wouldn’t think the numbers could look this good with the shutdown, but they look great. People have been calling me up saying how good the numbers look. Big important people. Great numbers. Look, the numbers were never this good in the last administration but then I came in and now the numbers are fantastic. Next year is going to be a great year for the numbers. They’re going to be enormous. A million, a million five dead. Tremendous numbers.”