“I’ll fucking cut you, you old fucker!”
“I’m fucking off to New Zealand on this here plane and you’re all on your own. Bye.”
“Good day. I have been asked here against my will so that I can explain my actions during the lockdown and the thinking behind them.
“So basically what happened was, on the Thursday I think it was or maybe the Friday – it was day 14 of the lockdown so probably Tuesday the 11th – me or my wife – I’m not sure which – had symptoms of COVID so I immediately got out of or into my car – I’m not sure which – and drove to the house to collect my wife and child.
“I then drove them to my parents’ house in County Durham which had a spare house inside it – not even a nice house, it’s just wattle and daub and spiders – then I drove back home, only to realise I’d left my wife and child in the car. I dropped them at the house – I’m not sure which house – and immediately drove them back to County Durham. At that point I realised I had already dropped my wife and child off in County Durham, so now I had two wives and two children.
“At this point one of my wives – I’m not sure which one – was sick, so I immediately drove to London to buy some paracetamol. Did I mention there was no childcare available and phones hadn’t been invented yet? Anyway, by this time my COVID symptoms were causing me to hallucinate big ducks, which made the trip back to County Durham a bit of a worry, so I drove to County Durham, picked up my wives and children and drove to Plymouth to see if I was up to driving to Durham. At no point did I leave my parents’ land.
We stayed in Plymouth no more than thirty seconds before driving back to County Durham with my wives and children, picking up my wives and children, and driving back to London. At this point I could barely get out of bed and my now four wives and four children were concerned that there was no childcare of any sort available for me. They then drove to County Durham to buy some petrol and I was cleared to return to work.
“I’m sure some people will find this explanation unreasonable but the lockdown rules clearly state that it isn’t. I hope this clears up the matter. Now I must depart in my ornithopter as I have a meeting in Tring. Good day.”
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”
“So the numbers are looking really good. We’re seeing great numbers, amazing numbers really, numbers like you’ve never seen before. Big numbers. Huge. You wouldn’t think the numbers could look this good with the shutdown, but they look great. People have been calling me up saying how good the numbers look. Big important people. Great numbers. Look, the numbers were never this good in the last administration but then I came in and now the numbers are fantastic. Next year is going to be a great year for the numbers. They’re going to be enormous. A million, a million five dead. Tremendous numbers.”
The coronavirus has robbed us of many things but by far the worst robbery has been of sports from us. The majestic doing of things with balls or sometimes cars for money and big metal plates has been sorely missed by those of us who sorely miss sports when they are not being played.
Now, as America starts to forget about the virus still sweeping the nation, a new and exciting virus has begun to sweep across the same nation but in the opposite direction – the sports virus, and it’s contagious.
Whether your favourite sports team or sports person (hey, women play sports too!) hits a ball, kicks a ball, throws a ball or drives a ball, hits another human in the face and torso, drives a car or does things on ice, you can bet those teams or people have been itching to get back on the field, pitch, track, ring, rink or court so they can throw some more money on the big pile of money they keep in the money pile room of their achievement-filled mansions.
So don’t forget to tune in to Sports World, World of Sports, Sports Night World, Global Sports USA, Sports on Earth, Monday Night Physical Contest Planet, American Sports Sphere, or whichever blazer-ridden jockfest you prefer to enjoy the return of all the sports!
“I’m doing it on the advice of my wife Malaria.”