Trump on sharks

President Donald Trump points at something the rest of us can't see
You’re going to need a bigger vote

“…I tell you, sharks are crazy. Did you know there’s a type of shark called a shit shark? It lives in San Francisco and runs a coffee shop. Shunned by all the other sharks. They live in the sea, you know, mostly, the sharks do. That’s ridiculous, but the sharks don’t know that. All they do is swim around and eat people. They say the sharks are part of the deep state but I don’t know, you know.

“I had a shark guy call me up on the phone – I don’t think he was a guy who was also a shark, I think he was a shark genius – and he told me they caught a shark living in an apartment in France that was 35 feet long and when they cut it open they found a guy living in there – he had a sofa-bed and an oil lamp, TV, everything. Split level grill. Sharks are crazy, just crazy.

“They used sharks during the war, you know – the Vietnam War, that was a great war – they’d sneak up on our troops in the jungles, just terrible. That was the reason we lost that war, the sharks. And Obama. What’s this rectangle on a pole here, what is that? Why does my thumb look like a penis? Sharks are rigging the election. Vote for me as many times as you can, goodnight!”

Boris the Builder: “If you build it I will come”

Britain's Prime Minister Doris Bronson fisting a speech
“I’m going to build things with your bare hands!”

“…And to those who say Build Build Build is an unimaginative slogan I say, it’s a lazy slogan more than it is unimaginative. But that’s beside the point. We’re going to build, baby, we’re going to build big tall things and do things with roads and we’re going to build a bridge to the Moon, motherfuckers, a big bridge so we can trade cheese with the Moon Men. Those Moon Men love cheese. It’s a new deal. The old deal was pretty shitty and so is the new one, but it’s a new type of shitty deal for the 21st century – extra shitty and with less privacy somehow. Build build build until we get tired or run out of building materials. The whole country’s going to sound like hammering and there’ll be builders’ cracks as far as the eye can see, baby. That’s Britain, motherfuckers – arse cracks and banging. Plus there’s going to be a 300ft tall solid gold statue of me in Parliament Square, sticking my cock in Churchill’s ear. Brexit Britain!”