“Hello, we’re the Secret Police. Shit, wait, no, forget I said that.”
“Hi, I’m Tucker Chip Scooter Mitt Remington Carlson Jr. III, host of top Fox News show Tucker Carlson Pisses on Your Existence, and I’m here to tell you that I am shocked – shocked – to discover that my head writer had secretly made racist comments on my script and that I had unknowingly read them out on the air to my 596 viewers.
“I had no way of knowing that the words I was speaking were hateful, privileged, profoundly ignorant and bigoted, and I want to reassure every single one of my viewers – who I know by name – that, despite the resignation of my head writer, there is no shortage of inadequate middle-aged white men with chips on their shoulders lining up to replace him.
“In the meantime the show will continue with me shouting ethnic slurs into the camera to own the libs, and I’ll probably throw in some misogyny just to mix it up. I’m Tucker Carlson, yes my hair is real, and you’re a piece of shit. Goodnight.”
Boris Johnson has claimed anti-racism protests in the UK have been “hijacked by extremists intent on being against racism”.
“Racism has served me very well in the past few years,” Johnson told a group of people who were probably journalists, “And I’m not about to turn my back on it when I’ll need it to get me through the next round of Brexit talks. Also, like my hero Winston Churchill, I am a massive racist.”
The prime minister said it was “absurd and shameful” that a statue of Winston Churchill was “at risk of attack” by protesters as it only represented “the good World War II things about the man and not the forced-sterilisation-advocating Indian-hating Irish-hating genocidal racist things that anti-racist people insist on remembering.
“Yes, he sometimes expressed opinions that were and are unacceptable to people who aren’t me, and he was responsible for starving millions of people to death, but he was a hero, not just a fucking maniac, and he fully deserves his memorial. To that end I’ve made sure Churchill will be doing the same thing I’ll be doing: hiding in a box until all this is over.”
“You know, thanks to me, the economy is looking great, jobs are looking great, I’m looking great, nobody’s talking about the 108,000 dead Americans, and I know my good friend George Lloyd would be enjoying this from wherever you religious guys like to believe he is now. Amen.
“I remember when me and Lorge were kids, playing in the park between Minnesota and New York and he said to me, he said “Donnie, when I die you gotta make the numbers work, you gotta fix the unemployment no matter what’s happening with the coronavirus, and you gotta dominate the battlespace. You gotta use my name, Donnie, but make sure it’s all about you. That’s the most important thing, Donnie,” he said, “You gotta make sure you look good.”
“And the other day when I personally cleared the crowds outside the White House, I knew my best friend Geord was looking down on me saying, “Good job Donnie. I always hated having human rights and that god-dammed constitution was a pain in my ass”. Well, we’re knocking over pensioners and tazing guys like you’ve never seen before, Florge, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m doing it for you, dead guy on the news, I’m doing it for you.
“So next time you’re in a protest or just minding your own business and you get murdered by a cop, remember they’re doing it to honour the memory of the man whose fault this all is, Floyd George. God Bless America.”
“Got this book here. Not sure what it is. Looks old, though. Wait, there’s some writing on the side. Holly Bible. I wonder who she is. Did she write this? I wonder if she’s got a great pair of… hey, wait, is this the God book? The famous one? I’m gonna hold this up and let these assholes take pictures of me. That seems like a presidenty thing to do.”
“Thank you very much. My fellow Americans, I swore an oath to uphold the laws of our nation, and that is exactly what I am pretending to do. I am your President of Law and Order; I am your president of LA Law, that’s a great show. Harry Hamlin. I am your President of CSI: Miami, that guy with the sunglasses; I am your President of Blue Thunder; but, most importantly, I am your President of Nash Bridges. I am an ally of all peaceful protesters, and as you can hear behind me, I am currently teaching those protestors how to inhale tear gas and take a riot stick to the crotch.
“In recent days, our nation has been gripped by professional anarchists, violent mobs, arsonists, looters, criminals, rioters, antifa, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Innocent people have been savagely beaten, like the young people in the street over there being viciously attacked by dangerous thugs right now.
“These are not acts of peaceful protests. These are acts of domestic terror. Not like those white militia guys with semi-automatic weapons and fine beards who stand around in public places for no reason. They are very fine people. It’s those other people – you know what I’m talking about – nudge, nudge, wink wink. They’re the domestic terrorists because they won’t vote for me.
“One law and order. And that is what it is. One law. We have one beautiful law. One beautiful law that applies to you, but not to me or anyone who could incriminate me. We must never give in to anger or hatred, unless it’s against black people then it’s fine. Thank you very much and now I’m going to pay my respects to a very, very special place as I have the turtle’s head. Thank you very much.”
Ah, there’s nothing more British – more English – than James Bond, an arrogant white bloke with an English accent who drinks a lot and punches people. No doubt once they get rid of Daniel Craig they’ll cast some bloody foreign disabled vegan lesbian and they’ll make her all touchy-feely and politically correct. Grr, don’t get me started on political correctness. Want to be rude about foreigners? Want to make a funny joke about them? No chance mate – the bloody Sharia police will be round to arrest you and send you to the re-education camps like they all do in foreignland.
Speaking of which, why does James Bond have to go to all these different foreign places all the time? Why can’t he stay in Britain? We’ve got lots of dramatic looking shit that’d be alright in a film – Cheddar Gorge, Wookey Hole. Coventry. And if you want a brilliant car chase there’s the bloody M6 mate. I mean, I haven’t seen Spectre – don’t need to to have an opinion on it, do I – but it seems to me it would be a much better film if Bond just stayed at home and got pissed and punched wankers like a proper Englishman.
And I’ll tell you what else: why do you never get to see the Bond girl’s tits? This isn’t a Carry On film, it’s a sophisticated piece of adult entertainment about a man with a biro that turns into a jet-ski, so let’s see some hoobly jooblies. Idiots. Did I tell you I used to be in the SAS?