Boris puts dick in box

A statue of Winston Churchill inside a box in London, like a fat racist David Blaine
I’m a Churchill in a box, I’m a Churchill in a concrete box…

Boris Johnson has claimed anti-racism protests in the UK have been “hijacked by extremists intent on being against racism”.

“Racism has served me very well in the past few years,” Johnson told a group of people who were probably journalists, “And I’m not about to turn my back on it when I’ll need it to get me through the next round of Brexit talks. Also, like my hero Winston Churchill, I am a massive racist.”

The prime minister said it was “absurd and shameful” that a statue of Winston Churchill was “at risk of attack” by protesters as it only represented “the good World War II things about the man and not the forced-sterilisation-advocating Indian-hating Irish-hating genocidal racist things that anti-racist people insist on remembering.

“Yes, he sometimes expressed opinions that were and are unacceptable to people who aren’t me, and he was responsible for starving millions of people to death, but he was a hero, not just a fucking maniac, and he fully deserves his memorial. To that end I’ve made sure Churchill will be doing the same thing I’ll be doing: hiding in a box until all this is over.”

In time of desperation, Uncle Nutcase finds religion

Donald Trump trying to work out how to open a book
BOOK

“Got this book here. Not sure what it is. Looks old, though. Wait, there’s some writing on the side. Holly Bible. I wonder who she is. Did she write this? I wonder if she’s got a great pair of… hey, wait, is this the God book? The famous one? I’m gonna hold this up and let these assholes take pictures of me. That seems like a presidenty thing to do.”

Trump heals America with sticks

Donald Trump waves his tallywhacker around again
“Get off my lawn, I’ve got a photo-op to do”

“Thank you very much. My fellow Americans, I swore an oath to uphold the laws of our nation, and that is exactly what I am pretending to do. I am your President of Law and Order; I am your president of LA Law, that’s a great show. Harry Hamlin. I am your President of CSI: Miami, that guy with the sunglasses; I am your President of Blue Thunder; but, most importantly, I am your President of Nash Bridges. I am an ally of all peaceful protesters, and as you can hear behind me, I am currently teaching those protestors how to inhale tear gas and take a riot stick to the crotch.

“In recent days, our nation has been gripped by professional anarchists, violent mobs, arsonists, looters, criminals, rioters, antifa, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Innocent people have been savagely beaten, like the young people in the street over there being viciously attacked by dangerous thugs right now.

“These are not acts of peaceful protests. These are acts of domestic terror. Not like those white militia guys with semi-automatic weapons and fine beards who stand around in public places for no reason. They are very fine people. It’s those other people – you know what I’m talking about – nudge, nudge, wink wink. They’re the domestic terrorists because they won’t vote for me.

“One law and order. And that is what it is. One law. We have one beautiful law. One beautiful law that applies to you, but not to me or anyone who could incriminate me. We must never give in to anger or hatred, unless it’s against black people then it’s fine. Thank you very much and now I’m going to pay my respects to a very, very special place as I have the turtle’s head. Thank you very much.”

PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”