Weekend Sports Report

Golfer Braxton Slacks is pictured here throwing a golf club in the air which I have wilfully misinterpreted as a display of telekinesis for "comedic" purposes
“And for my next trick…”

Golf: Drama in the sport of dullards as reasonably famous golfer Braxton Slacks (above) was disqualified from the Anusol Soothing Eighteen Holes Outdoor Open Masters Open Tournament Masters for an overt use of telekinesis. Further up the field (also known as the fairway), hot favourites Roundabout Spleen and Tom Golfer were erased from existence by an as yet unborn golf-hating time traveller.

Baseball: Drama on Saturday as the Minnesota Baseball Players beat the Pittsburgh Douchebags by 16 cases of coronavirus to 9. As a result Major League Baseball has announced that future games will take place with each team in a separate stadium on different continents and the commentators on the International Space Station.

Tennis: Drama erupted this weekend for the first time in tennis history when world number one Willie Waever was disqualified from his match with fellow world number one Chutney Gimbal for arguing with the umpire, the net, the grass, a man he called at random on his mobile phone, and the sky.

Chivalry: Drama at the North European World Pan-Asian Chivalry Finals when top doubles teaming Pimples O’Frimp and Towser Brony tossed their cloaks onto rival pair Trapezium Jones and Yampers Gymbag’s puddle, causing widespread swooning.

Cricket: Drama in the third test twice removed between France and Kazakhstan in the North Atlantic when both teams were swallowed by an unusually large penguin.

Put your sports hat back on – sports is back on!

Sportsreturn! graphic

The coronavirus has robbed us of many things but by far the worst robbery has been of sports from us. The majestic doing of things with balls or sometimes cars for money and big metal plates has been sorely missed by those of us who sorely miss sports when they are not being played.

Now, as America starts to forget about the virus still sweeping the nation, a new and exciting virus has begun to sweep across the same nation but in the opposite direction – the sports virus, and it’s contagious.

Whether your favourite sports team or sports person (hey, women play sports too!) hits a ball, kicks a ball, throws a ball or drives a ball, hits another human in the face and torso, drives a car or does things on ice, you can bet those teams or people have been itching to get back on the field, pitch, track, ring, rink or court so they can throw some more money on the big pile of money they keep in the money pile room of their achievement-filled mansions.

So don’t forget to tune in to Sports World, World of Sports, Sports Night World, Global Sports USA, Sports on Earth, Monday Night Physical Contest Planet, American Sports Sphere, or whichever blazer-ridden jockfest you prefer to enjoy the return of all the sports!

Coronavirus sportspocalypse!

Coronavirus sportspocalypse!
Sports apocalypse (Sportspocalypse!)

Multi-millionaires who kick, hit or carry sports balls of all sizes were reeling today as sport after sport was brutally suspended, postponed or cancelled by the threat of the novel coronavirus.

COVID-19 has also prevented professional multi-millionaires from driving their multi-million dollar sports cars in a loop and has stopped multi-millionaire sports team owners from making multiple millions of dollars, causing a worldwide panic among sports fans concerned about the multi-millionaires.

“I hope the multi-millionaire owned multi-million dollar sports team that I affiliate myself with, and the multi-millionaire players who I root for every week will not lose any of their money,” said one fan who was facing eviction from his small apartment after being sent home from his minimum wage job when the business he worked for was shut because of coronavirus.

Another fan said: “I invest a lot of passion in, and give a lot of money to, the team of multi-millionaires I support in the hope that they will score more points than the other team of multi-millionaires that I dislike, and I’m concerned that the wealth of my team of multi-millionaires could suffer as a result of coronavirus.”

Whatever happens to the selfless multi-millionaires of sports, they can rest assured that they will have the unwavering support of the world’s best doctors and also the sports fans who love them. That’s the magic of sports.