That Dominic Cummings statement in full

Dominic Cummings, pictured here delivering his concise and believable statement
My vision had been a bit weird…

“Good day. I have been asked here against my will so that I can explain my actions during the lockdown and the thinking behind them.

“So basically what happened was, on the Thursday I think it was or maybe the Friday – it was day 14 of the lockdown so probably Tuesday the 11th – me or my wife – I’m not sure which – had symptoms of COVID so I immediately got out of or into my car – I’m not sure which – and drove to the house to collect my wife and child.

“I then drove them to my parents’ house in County Durham which had a spare house inside it – not even a nice house, it’s just wattle and daub and spiders – then I drove back home, only to realise I’d left my wife and child in the car. I dropped them at the house – I’m not sure which house – and immediately drove them back to County Durham. At that point I realised I had already dropped my wife and child off in County Durham, so now I had two wives and two children.

“At this point one of my wives – I’m not sure which one – was sick, so I immediately drove to London to buy some paracetamol. Did I mention there was no childcare available and phones hadn’t been invented yet? Anyway, by this time my COVID symptoms were causing me to hallucinate big ducks, which made the trip back to County Durham a bit of a worry, so I drove to County Durham, picked up my wives and children and drove to Plymouth to see if I was up to driving to Durham. At no point did I leave my parents’ land.

We stayed in Plymouth no more than thirty seconds before driving back to County Durham with my wives and children, picking up my wives and children, and driving back to London. At this point I could barely get out of bed and my now four wives and four children were concerned that there was no childcare of any sort available for me. They then drove to County Durham to buy some petrol and I was cleared to return to work.

“I’m sure some people will find this explanation unreasonable but the lockdown rules clearly state that it isn’t. I hope this clears up the matter. Now I must depart in my ornithopter as I have a meeting in Tring. Good day.”

PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”

Elon Musk “twat”: everyone

Elon Musk, pictured here with his hands, being a twat
Elon Musk: twat

It has emerged this week that Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, is a twat. The news, which came as a surprise to almost no-one, broke after a series of twatty actions by the electric car twat, causing all reasonable human beings to conclude that he is definitely a twat.

“I always knew he had a propensity for twattishness,” said Humboldt Fruitmagnet, a fruit magnate and Musk-watcher from Humboldt, Virginia. “But his twatting about this week has really cemented his reputation as a big flying twat.”

Social media twat-spotter Marie Biscuit, a widely respected expert in the field of online twattery, agreed. “It’s always been felt by the public that Musk could go either way, becoming a world-class testicle-faced brain genius or a solid gold cheese-topped caravan of twats. This week everyone has sort of had their eyes opened to the fact that he is, without doubt, King of the Twats, supreme ruler of the Kingdom of Twatsylvania.”

Chester Platelets, chief business correspondent for Fox News, had a different take, saying: “He seems like a reasonable guy to me.”