“Look, he loves me so much he’s giving me a golden shower!”
Boris Johnson has claimed anti-racism protests in the UK have been “hijacked by extremists intent on being against racism”.
“Racism has served me very well in the past few years,” Johnson told a group of people who were probably journalists, “And I’m not about to turn my back on it when I’ll need it to get me through the next round of Brexit talks. Also, like my hero Winston Churchill, I am a massive racist.”
The prime minister said it was “absurd and shameful” that a statue of Winston Churchill was “at risk of attack” by protesters as it only represented “the good World War II things about the man and not the forced-sterilisation-advocating Indian-hating Irish-hating genocidal racist things that anti-racist people insist on remembering.
“Yes, he sometimes expressed opinions that were and are unacceptable to people who aren’t me, and he was responsible for starving millions of people to death, but he was a hero, not just a fucking maniac, and he fully deserves his memorial. To that end I’ve made sure Churchill will be doing the same thing I’ll be doing: hiding in a box until all this is over.”
“You know, thanks to me, the economy is looking great, jobs are looking great, I’m looking great, nobody’s talking about the 108,000 dead Americans, and I know my good friend George Lloyd would be enjoying this from wherever you religious guys like to believe he is now. Amen.
“I remember when me and Lorge were kids, playing in the park between Minnesota and New York and he said to me, he said “Donnie, when I die you gotta make the numbers work, you gotta fix the unemployment no matter what’s happening with the coronavirus, and you gotta dominate the battlespace. You gotta use my name, Donnie, but make sure it’s all about you. That’s the most important thing, Donnie,” he said, “You gotta make sure you look good.”
“And the other day when I personally cleared the crowds outside the White House, I knew my best friend Geord was looking down on me saying, “Good job Donnie. I always hated having human rights and that god-dammed constitution was a pain in my ass”. Well, we’re knocking over pensioners and tazing guys like you’ve never seen before, Florge, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m doing it for you, dead guy on the news, I’m doing it for you.
“So next time you’re in a protest or just minding your own business and you get murdered by a cop, remember they’re doing it to honour the memory of the man whose fault this all is, Floyd George. God Bless America.”
“Got this book here. Not sure what it is. Looks old, though. Wait, there’s some writing on the side. Holly Bible. I wonder who she is. Did she write this? I wonder if she’s got a great pair of… hey, wait, is this the God book? The famous one? I’m gonna hold this up and let these assholes take pictures of me. That seems like a presidenty thing to do.”
“Thank you very much. My fellow Americans, I swore an oath to uphold the laws of our nation, and that is exactly what I am pretending to do. I am your President of Law and Order; I am your president of LA Law, that’s a great show. Harry Hamlin. I am your President of CSI: Miami, that guy with the sunglasses; I am your President of Blue Thunder; but, most importantly, I am your President of Nash Bridges. I am an ally of all peaceful protesters, and as you can hear behind me, I am currently teaching those protestors how to inhale tear gas and take a riot stick to the crotch.
“In recent days, our nation has been gripped by professional anarchists, violent mobs, arsonists, looters, criminals, rioters, antifa, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Innocent people have been savagely beaten, like the young people in the street over there being viciously attacked by dangerous thugs right now.
“These are not acts of peaceful protests. These are acts of domestic terror. Not like those white militia guys with semi-automatic weapons and fine beards who stand around in public places for no reason. They are very fine people. It’s those other people – you know what I’m talking about – nudge, nudge, wink wink. They’re the domestic terrorists because they won’t vote for me.
“One law and order. And that is what it is. One law. We have one beautiful law. One beautiful law that applies to you, but not to me or anyone who could incriminate me. We must never give in to anger or hatred, unless it’s against black people then it’s fine. Thank you very much and now I’m going to pay my respects to a very, very special place as I have the turtle’s head. Thank you very much.”
“Good day. I have been asked here against my will so that I can explain my actions during the lockdown and the thinking behind them.
“So basically what happened was, on the Thursday I think it was or maybe the Friday – it was day 14 of the lockdown so probably Tuesday the 11th – me or my wife – I’m not sure which – had symptoms of COVID so I immediately got out of or into my car – I’m not sure which – and drove to the house to collect my wife and child.
“I then drove them to my parents’ house in County Durham which had a spare house inside it – not even a nice house, it’s just wattle and daub and spiders – then I drove back home, only to realise I’d left my wife and child in the car. I dropped them at the house – I’m not sure which house – and immediately drove them back to County Durham. At that point I realised I had already dropped my wife and child off in County Durham, so now I had two wives and two children.
“At this point one of my wives – I’m not sure which one – was sick, so I immediately drove to London to buy some paracetamol. Did I mention there was no childcare available and phones hadn’t been invented yet? Anyway, by this time my COVID symptoms were causing me to hallucinate big ducks, which made the trip back to County Durham a bit of a worry, so I drove to County Durham, picked up my wives and children and drove to Plymouth to see if I was up to driving to Durham. At no point did I leave my parents’ land.
We stayed in Plymouth no more than thirty seconds before driving back to County Durham with my wives and children, picking up my wives and children, and driving back to London. At this point I could barely get out of bed and my now four wives and four children were concerned that there was no childcare of any sort available for me. They then drove to County Durham to buy some petrol and I was cleared to return to work.
“I’m sure some people will find this explanation unreasonable but the lockdown rules clearly state that it isn’t. I hope this clears up the matter. Now I must depart in my ornithopter as I have a meeting in Tring. Good day.”