The Not Good.

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Coronavirus has left PM immune to criticism, says Gove

He doesn't have broad shoulders, he just has a small head

Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove has hit back at criticism of Prime Minister Boris Johnson, telling journalists that no matter how lazy, useless, bigoted, clueless and self-serving his friend is, he’s been very ill and his lack of action should not be condemned.

Responding to a story in the Sunday Times that Johnson skipped the first five emergency coronavirus meetings because “he couldn’t be arsed”, and that chances to respond to the virus were missed, Gove said it was “grotesque” that facts were being used to discredit the Prime Minister’s credibility.

“Boris is a loveable sponge pudding of a man, and his recent brave battle with the coronavirus has made him a towering hero the likes of which this country hasn’t seen since John Major,” a tearful Gove shouted through the letterbox in the front door of his Knightsbridge home.

“Pointing out things like his not attending emergency meetings, his failing to understand the urgency of the virus outbreak, his inability to obtain supplies for the NHS, and the time he hit that child with his car while he was drunk may cause his coronavirus to come back and it will all be your fault, you awful monsters!”

Boris Johnson could not be arsed to comment.

Two Trees

Saalbach-Hinterglemm, Austria, 2014
Saalbach-Hinterglemm, Austria, 2014

Coronavirus: NHS staff told to re-use equipment they don’t have

Health Secretary Matt Hancock pictured here being ineffective
Stay home, protect the NHS, because we can't

Mild waft Matt Hancock has told NHS staff they must bring their own equipment in from home in order to continue the fight against COVID-19.

Spoons, oven gloves, shower caps, washing-up liquid, hosepipes, bleach, tweezers and sellotape will all be pressed into service, Hancock said, after admitting he had been sniped in an eBay auction for personal protective equipment (PPE) on Thursday while he was having his tea.

“It turns out that buying medical equipment during a global pandemic is really hard,” Hancock told his mum in a phone call late last night. “All I’ve managed to get in three months is an empty cardboard box with the word ‘ventilator’ written on it and 3000 copies of The Mask on DVD.”

Hancock has also announced plans to use the £20 million raised by 99-year-old war veteran Tom Moore to build a warehouse for storing PPE.

Infographic: the science behind 5G masts and coronavirus

An infographic explaining how 5G masts spread coronavirus
You can't handle the truth

Gull, interrupted

Whitby, England, 2014
Whitby, England, 2014

Coronavirus: Matt Hancock unveils plans to unveil plans

Secretary of State for Planning Matt Hancock announcing government plans to ramp up planning
Matt Hancock, not to be confused with millinery-themed male stripper Hat Mancock

Clammy flannel Matt Hancock announced yesterday the UK government’s plans to announce plans to put in place plans to unveil plans to deal with plans relating to plans the government is planning to plan.

“We understand we have failed to do anything remotely useful,” Hancock told comatose journalists at today’s planning briefing, “but we are planning to ramp up plans to deal with the planned spike in planning we are planning to see in order to fix the rising planning curve we are experiencing through the fruition of our plans to plan plans.

“This should enable us to reduce significantly the number of plans we are seeing daily, though it has been brought to our attention that some areas of planning may have been under-reported and there may be plans we have failed to take into account. We have a plan to deal with this. Several, in fact.

“With regard to the PPE - the Personal Planning Equipment - we are planning to distribute pens and paper to the frontline planners as soon as we have a plan on how to do that.”

When questioned about the large numbers of people in the UK who have died from the coronavirus, Hancock admitted, “We hadn’t planned for that.”

Hintergasse

Innsbruck, Austria, 2013
Innsbruck, Austria, 2013