The Not Good.

Still better than a podcast about golf

Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase Mega Tantrum enters day two

Uncle Nutcase, aka Donald Trump, continues his mega tantrum into day 2 at his daily coronavirus briefing
The "I didn't do it" boy

“…can be cured by hitting it with a brick. As a result, I will be suspending America’s contributions to the World Health Organization, the World Organization for Health, the Organization for World Health and the Health Organization for the World. Also, the World Wildlife Fund - because I don’t like wildlife, hate wildlife - the Seven Wonders of the World, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, World War II - but not World War I - the World Wide Web, the World Trade Center and Guinness World Records.

“All those organizations, all those organizations, covered up China’s role in the virus outbreak and the World Wildlife Fund in particular - we all know what they’ve been up to with the pandas, I’ll tell you about it someday. That’s not right, what they’re doing with the pandas. They’re bears, you know, pandas - that’s why we call them panda bears. I didn’t know that until yesterday but I’ve always known that.

“The ventilators, we’ve made so many ventilators. The best ventilators. We could have had the ventilators that killed people but we made the good kind of ventilator. We’ve built thousands of ventilators - two, nearly three thousand ventilators. We’ve got ventilators coming out of our factories. NASA built a space ventilator in case space gets the virus. The states were all saying we need 40,000 ventilators but I sent them 20 or 30 ventilators and no-one’s died - no-one in America has died from the virus, we’ve done a job like you wouldn’t believe…”

Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase blows a gasket

Uncle Nutcase, pictured here blowing a gasket at his daily Coronavirus briefing
Ding dong

“…thank you Dr Fauci for that entirely voluntary statement about my perfect response to this virus, your family will be released without harm.

“The great job I’ve been doing defeating this virus bears no relation to the facts in the fake stories printed with the fake ink in the fake newspapers sold by fake people to fake readers - I’m looking at you, CNN - you print the worst stories I’ve ever seen on the radio.

“All you press guys are always saying how I was late dealing with this virus but my response started back in 1952 - which is a real year, you can look it up - way before anyone else knew it was a threat. I wasn’t the president then - many people thought I should have been, even though I was only eight years old, can you imagine, it would have been great - but I stopped all the planes flying from China, China, even though everybody said it was too soon, too soon.

“In 1973, way before I saw any of the memos I didn’t see, I declared a state of emergency and stopped all the planes to China again, that’s how good my reaction was, there were actually negative numbers of planes coming out of China, and I asked Boeing to make a billion masks, the N95 masks because they’re the best masks. We could have had the N94 masks but I said no. Boeing actually hung up on me, can you believe that? They hung up on me. It was amazing. I was amazed.

“Then in 1989 - 1989 - I began personally testing people for the virus, but you won’t see that in the fake news, I’m looking at you Cindy, you’re the worst - why can’t you guys print the truth, would it kill you to say something nice about me. I mean, if you don’t say something nice about me it might kill you but I’m joking, I’m joking.

“Now here’s a short 15 minute video my staff made without any prompting from me - they’re really great guys, really great - about how perfect my response to this virus has been. It has the genuine facts - genuine facts so true they aren’t even on the internet…”

Play the five tones

Sky, mountain, trees, brush
Seefeld, Austria, 2013

Coronavirus: Boris Johnson expresses gratitude to NHS for saving his life

Coronavirus: Boris Johnson expresses gratitude to NHS for saving his life

“Here, have this pen.”

Pope preaches solidarity at Easter sermon

The Pope, also known as the Pope, preaches solidarity at his Easter sermon
It's the Pope

“Seen this? It’s worth more than your house, mate.”

Coronavirus: Must-see lockdown TV

Bored with Homes Under the Hammer, bleak news and Marvel films? Here are five of the best new must-see TV shows to keep you entertained during the lockdown:

Jenson Button Cacks a Fireplace (Five): Follow ex-Formula 1 champion Jenson Button as he travels the world in search of the perfect fireplace to cack.

McShitehorse (Netflix): A hard-drinking lone wolf horse solves murders in this live action crime series.

Cash or Shark (Channel 4): Davina McCall hosts this high stakes game show. There are two boxes: pick one and win a fortune or lose a stomach.

Doctor Cockbox (Sky Atlantic): Benedict Cumberbatch stars in this U.S. drama about a man whose penis is a brain surgeon.

Are You Going to Finish That Sausage? (Dave): New sit-com from the creators of Feeble Mess, starring Nick Plinth as hapless local newspaper restaurant critic Ted Plankton, who writes under the pen name The Greedy Freeloader.

The big question: do 5G masts spread coronavirus?

A picture of a coronavirus-spreading 5G mast
Fun time phone mast coronavirus conspiracy balls

During this worrying and uncertain time, the question of how COVID-19 has spread so quickly around the globe is one everybody wants an answer to. The most stunning theory that has emerged is that 5G phone masts are spreading coronavirus.

But are they? Well, if you’re seriously asking yourself that question, what you need to know is that of course they fucking aren’t, you brain-dead fact-dodging bleach-drinking flat-Earth anti-vaxx QAnon pizzagate chemtrail aliens-are-among-us new-age deep-state storm-Area-51 total fucking fuckwit.

What the fuck has gone wrong with you that you would believe this sort of baseless crap? Seriously. Get your fucking act together or fuck off as far away as possible, have a cup of tea and a rest, and then fuck off some more.