The Not Good.

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Coronavirus: China lifts Wuhan lockdown

An excited Chinese citizen celebrates getting a window seat on a passenger train in Wuhan
A thrilled citizen begins the 'most feverish people on a train' world record attempt

After 76 days, the Chinese government has lifted the lockdown on Wuhan, the city where the novel coronavirus is believed to have originated.

Official mandatory celebrations were organised for the occasion, including a huge coughing festival and an attempt to break the world record for the most people with a fever crammed into one train.

“This is a great day for China,” said one terrified citizen, so full of patriotic fervour he was struggling to breathe. “I am so thankful to President Xi I may drop dead of gratitude right here.”

Coronavirus: Trump blameless in coronavirus spread says Trump

Donald Trump who, according to Donald Trump, is blameless in the mishandling of the coronavirus crisis
Trump karate chops coronavirus

“…And if you look at the numbers on the dead people, they’re great numbers. I never said the virus was a great virus, never said that. But the virus, you know, it’s a great virus. The best, really. But I always said that, always said it was a great virus when the other guys, you know, the World Health Organization, they were calling it a threat and a danger. That’s not helpful - that’s only going to make the virus mad, and you don’t want an angry virus. That’s the last thing you want. I’m thinking we’re going to withhold our money that we give to the WHO, we give them a lot of money - the most money, it’s really terrific. We’re going to stop giving that money to the WHO and give it to the virus instead. I’m telling you, it’s going to be great…”

Enable tap-to-click on Synaptics touchpads in Lubuntu 20.04 Focal Fossa

Banner image for Lubuntu 20.04 Focal Fossa
Lubuntu banner

I’ve searched the internet looking for a way to enable tap-to-click on Synaptics touchpads in Lubuntu 20.04 Focal Fossa and have tried the .conf file variants those searches throw up. None of these has worked for me.

It turns out enabling tap-to-click is much more straightforward than the internet would suggest. To enable tap-to-click, open QTerminal (or the terminal of your choice) and enter the following command:

sudo apt install xserver-xorg-input-synaptics

Enter your administrator password and, once the package has finished installing, reboot your computer. Tap-to-click should now be enabled.

Coronavirus: Queen’s message to nation

The Queen addressing the nation about coronavirus
The Queen

“Fack orf.”

Coronavirus: Boris Johnson’s letter to the country

A dignified Boris Johnson has written a letter to the country about coronavirus
Coronavirus as viewed under a microscope

10 DOWNING STREET, LONDON SW1A 2AA

THE PRIME MINISTER

I am writing to you to update you on the steps I am taking to combat being blamed for coronavirus.

In just a few short weeks, my everyday life in this country has changed dramatically. I am feeling the profound impact of coronavirus not just on myself, but on my reputation.

I understand completely the difficulties this disruption has caused to my life and job. But the action I have taken to cover my arse is absolutely necessary, for one very simple reason.

If too many people become seriously unwell at one time, it will become clear that 10 years of a Conservative government destroying the NHS will leave it unable to cope. This will cost lives. We must slow the spread of facts about my early mishandling of the coronavirus crisis, and reduce the number of people blaming me for the NHS not being able to provide the hospital treatment needed in order to save as many lives as possible.

This is why we are giving one simple instruction - you must not blame me.

You should not meet friends or relatives who do not fully support me. You may only leave your home for very limited purposes, such as telling people it’s not my fault or voting Conservative. You can travel to and from work but should not blame me.

When you do have to leave your home, you should ensure, wherever possible, that you are two metres apart from anyone who might hold me responsible.

These rules must be observed. So, if people blame me, the police will issue fines and disperse propaganda.

I know many of you will be deeply worried about the financial impact on me and my family. The Government will do whatever it takes to help me make ends meet and put food on my table.

The enclosed leaflet sets out more detail about how you should not blame me and the rules you need to follow. You can also find the latest advice on how to not blame me at gov.uk/dontblameme.

From the start, we have sought to appear as though we were putting in the right measures at the right time. We will not hesitate to go further if that is what the public relations team and polling advice tells us we must do.

It’s important for me to appear to level with you - we know the number of people blaming me will get worse before it gets better. But we are making the right preparations, and the more we all don’t blame me, the fewer votes will be lost and the sooner life can return to Brexit.

I want to thank everyone who is working flat out to get me off the hook, in particular the staff in our fantastic PR companies across England, Scotland, Wales and the other one. I forget what it’s called. Anyway. It has been truly inspirational to see our spin doctors, copywriters and Daily Telegraph journalists rise magnificently to the needs of the hour.

Thousands of retired spin doctors and slogan writers are returning to the PR industry - and hundreds of thousands of citizens are volunteering to help the most vulnerable Conservative MPs. It is with that great British spirit that we will defeat coronavirus and we will beat it together without blaming me.

That is why, at this moment of national emergency, I urge you, please, to not blame me, not blame the Conservative Party and save me.

Boris Johnson's signature

Coronavirus: Queen to address nation from space

The Queen, who will address the nation from space on Easter Sunday
Her Majesty The Queen wearing her specially commissioned space hat

The Queen is expected to reiterate her message that we’re all in this together on Sunday when she addresses the nation from her luxury sterile Queen Pod in geostationary orbit 22,000 miles above Buckingham Palace.

It’s believed Her Majesty was launched into space on Tuesday from a secret base in Hampshire used only during national emergencies. She was apparently sprayed with bleach before being placed inside the solid gold capsule and fired to safety.

The Queen has previously said that the Royal Family is ready to play its part in helping the country through the coronavirus crisis.

It’s understood that Prince Charles, self-isolating on a private beach in Bermuda with his wife Camilla, is ready to appear via video link at any time to open flagship hospitals or morgues. The Duke of Edinburgh will also be placed on standby to look concerned from a safe distance.

Prince William and his wife Prince William’s Wife have announced they will both be waving from home this coming week, but will join the Queen at space church over the weekend.

Meanwhile, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, though not performing royal duties, will launch a range of Harry and Meghan branded COVID-19 t-shirts on Monday featuring the slogan “Coronavirus world tour 2020”.

Coronavirus: CNN shows New York Governor’s latest briefing

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's latest coronavirus briefing, as shown on CNN
Oh shit

“…Ventilators ventilators ventilators. Ventilators. Give me ventilators. If you got ventilators and you don’t want to give me the ventilators I personally guarantee - I personally guarantee - that I will come to your hospital and I will punch you in the nuts. If we get ventilators then ba-da-boom-ba-da-bing we got ventilators. Masks - we don’t have masks. It’s a mask. How hard is it to make a mask? I could pull masks out of my freakin’ ass but the goddam federal government couldn’t find a mask in its own ass with both hands and a torch! And gowns! I mean look at the gowns - they look like crap. Can’t we get some gowns that don’t look like they’re made out of freakin’ toilet paper or something? This isn’t rocket science, people - what do I gotta do to get some freakin’ PPE? What? Hey, I’m walking here!”