The Not Good.

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Coronavirus: celebrity fails to raise spirits on social media

Social media networks Twitter and Instagram have exploded today with the news that popular chef, film star, life coach and pro basketball player Jackson Mangold hasn’t posted a video of himself singing, cooking, playing the guitar, saying something inspirational or dancing in order to cheer up people locked down by the coronavirus pandemic.

“OMG WTF”, Twitter user @entitledfruitbat19 posted on hearing the news. The sentiment was echoed on Instagram, with user @preening_god420 posting a picture of himself looking shocked and holding a placard bearing the hashtag “#MangoldEntertainUs”.

The hashtag also took off on Twitter with tens of thousands of people, mystified by Mangold’s silence, demanding the star perform for them.

A spokesman for Jackson Mangold said: “Jackson died in 2018, you awful people”.

Coronavirus: latest from today’s Trump briefing

Donald Trump pictured giving the latest news at today's coronavirus briefing with Vice President Mike Piss
Donald Trump with Vice President Mike Piss

“…It’s really a terrific virus, very very strong virus, really great but we’re going to, and I think Mike agrees with me here, we’re going to build a lot of tiny ventilators - a lot - and inject those into the people to fight the virus. It’s really amazing, the miniaturisation, these new ventilators are no bigger than a golf ball and the doctors, they’ll just, you know, inject these things into the patients and everything’s cured. Completely cured. The virus just goes away. It’s really incredible. We should have this treatment out there in the hospitals in a couple of months, it’ll be amazing. If you look at the data you’ll see the treatment is already working, it’s that good…”

Coronavirus: Boris Johnson still an idiot

The launch last week of the UK's top coronavirus club

“Anyone want to shake hands? Anyone? Come on, it’ll be fine.”

Five examples of the Mandela Effect

Nelson Mandela and his effect
Free Nelson Mandela, with every box of Corn Flakes

The Mandela Effect is a term used to describe a large number of people having a false memory about an event or fact, named for Nelson Mandela because many people remembered him dying while in prison in the 1980s (he actually died a free man in 2013). Here are five other examples of the Mandela Effect:

  1. McDonald’s. Some people remember McDonald’s as an American fast food restaurant but, in fact, their logo is made up of a series of hieroglyphs reflecting the company’s Egyptian heritage.
  2. Petrol. This is a strange one. A surprisingly large number of people believe that cars used to be powered by petrol (a light fuel oil) when in fact cars have always run on the souls of the dead.
  3. France. There’s no shortage of people who would swear there is a country named France, located in Western Europe, whose capital is a city called Paris. In fact the capital is France and the country is Paris.
  4. Double decker buses. Amazingly, there’s no such thing as a double decker bus. They’re actually called multi decker buses, despite large numbers of people believing otherwise.
  5. Charlie Brown. Everyone knows Charlie Brown, right? Right. Except his name isn’t Charlie Brown - it’s Alan Reid. Charlie Brown is a nickname given to him by his sister Lucy because of his resemblance to another cartoon character who is called Charlie Brown.

Coronavirus: Simon Cowell unveils new boy band COVID-19

Simon Cowell unveils new Coronavirus-themed boy band COVID-19
Boom

Lyrics from their first single, Contagious, include “Babe let me inside, you know you wanna do it / Hey let me infect you, I’m gonna fill your lungs with fluid”.

Coronavirus: Bojo-corono-a-gogo

Boris Johnson has mild symptoms of coronavirus
Bugger

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced via Twitter that he has mild symptoms.

“Over the last 24 hours I have developed mild symptoms,” he said in a video message attached to his tweet. “I was immediately tested and the results were positive for mild symptoms. My symptoms are mild but my mild symptoms will not stop me from appearing on television every night to champion the NHS, which I intend to sell to pay for my mild symptom treatment.”

He continued: “Together we will beat my mild symptoms and, by together, I mean I will beat them with three ventilators and the best doctors available and you can do what you like.”

Coronavirus: Trump saves the day

Trump saves the day
The very picture of health

“I spoke to the President of Coronavirus this morning on the phone. Beautiful phone call. He really is a great guy, he’s very misunderstood. He assured me that it was safe for everyone to go back to work and I believe him. Great guy. He told me, you know, I was doing a great job and I said the same to him. There’s a lot of fake news out there about Coronavirus - I’m looking at you, scientists - lots of scaremongering. But it’s time for everyone to get back to work. I just know it’s going to be great.”