The Not Good.

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Coronavirus: shock as posh person tests positive

Coronavirus: this posh person has tested positive
A posh person

The world of posh people was rocked today as one of the poshest people in Britain tested positive for coronavirus. The 71 year old posh person, who is known to mix with other posh people - including members of his posh family - was diagnosed with the illness on Tuesday after showing mild symptoms over the weekend.

A spokesman for the posh person said that, despite only showing mild symptoms, the posh person and his posh wife had met the criteria for testing by being both posh and important. “This disease does not discriminate between posh people and commoners,” the spokesman said. “And that’s the worst kind of disease.”

The posh person’s mother, considered to be very important by people who consider posh people to be important, is believed to be in good health as she has never done a hard day’s work in her life.

Coronavirus: Britain in lockdown

Boris Johnson looking pissed off because coronavirus means he has to do some work
Porridge and hay: the face of Britain

In an attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, Britain has been ordered into lockdown, which in reality is far less dramatic than it sounds and generally involves a lot more sighing and watching stuff on YouTube.

The government’s extreme response to COVID-19 has shocked idiots sitting in Wetherspoons bragging about their spare bedroom full of hand sanitiser and dried pasta, who thought social distancing meant waiting an extra five minutes before replying to a text message.

The new rules mean that police are now able to shoot anyone who looks a bit peaky and can hand out fines to anyone they believe is thinking about coughing. Congregating on internet forums is banned, as is group messaging. The only exceptions to the lockdown are for:

  • Manufacturing toilet roll
  • Getting more toilet roll in
  • Going to the shops to ask when they’ll be getting more toilet roll in

In an attempt to address the toilet paper shortage, the NHS has issued advice reminding people that the Daily Mail is still being printed.

Coronavirus: Trump issues new prevention advice

Trump issues new coronavirus prevention advice
The view from New York this morning

President Trump appeared on TV yesterday speaking from a jacuzzi of hand sanitiser to tell his fellow Americans through a haze of cigar smoke that he is the world’s leading expert on coronavirus. He then went on to give the following new advice on how to avoid infection:

  • Don’t breathe unless absolutely necessary
  • Stay indoors at all times. If possible build another house inside your existing house and stay in that
  • Locate any world maps you own and draw a big cross through Italy

Trump concluded his remarks by telling people they can conduct their own COVID-19 test by sticking a pencil up their nose and spitting into a paper bag. They should then wait for 30 minutes before writing the word ‘negative’ on the bag. Stay safe, America.

Coronavirus: Queen addresses nation

It's the Queen, addressing the nation's coronavirus crisis from a hermetically sealed glass box
The Queen (L)

“My husband and I are as concerned as you about the COVID-19 Coronavirus, as leading epidemiologists have informed us that it affects posh people too.

“We know this is a period of great concern and uncertainty but it will be of some comfort to you, I’m sure, to know that my family and I have access to the best doctors. As Philip often says, “I’m worth three of any of those barbarians out there”, so you can rest assured that our health will be prioritised over yours.

“Much like you, I have received delivery of 14 tons of lavatory paper, which has been distributed to each of my 78 bathrooms here at Buckingham Palace before we leave for Balmoral tomorrow. Once there we will be kept in complete safety, with ample Andrex, until all one’s loyal subjects have recovered or, more likely, died.

“Also, much like you, I shall be working from one of one’s homes, launching ships over the internet and asking one’s subjects on Skype what it is they do. One shall attempt to stave off boredom by counting one’s money and watching Palaces Under the Hammer on my exclusive BBC channel, paid for with your licence fee.

“At times such as these, one is reminded that our nation has been forged by people less rich than I at our family’s behest and now, more than any time in our recent past, it is clear you did not do a good enough job. Today, and in the coming days, weeks and months, please remember to stay away from Philip and I. Thank you.”

Coronavirus: things to do to amuse yourself while self-isolating

Coronavirus: things to do to amuse yourself while self-isolating
COVID-19, n-n-n-n-nineteen

Trapped in your home because of coronavirus, boredom could become another invisible enemy. Here’s a list of ways to amuse yourself while self-isolating:

  1. Paralyse yourself with fear by watching the rolling news channels
  2. Barricade your doors and windows in case coronavirus zombies break in and steal all your toilet roll
  3. That. Obviously
  4. Think about all the people who voted leave in the EU referendum because we survived the Blitz who are now raiding supermarkets to panic-buy dried pasta and paracetamol
  5. Learn to play the trumpet. It will occupy your mind and your self-isolating neighbours will appreciate your efforts to better yourself
  6. Practice holding your breath until you can do it for 18 months
  7. Write pointless blog posts that are no use to anyone

Coronavirus: how governments are handling the crisis

An image of the coronavirus that's causing a crisis the world's governments are scrambling to handle
COVID-19, the sneaky little shit

As COVID-19 continues to take the world by storm and make ordinarily responsible people lose their minds it’s worth looking to the calm, steady stewardship of some of the world’s governments to see how they are handling the crisis.

Portugal, for example, has taken the extraordinary step of cancelling public events that have already happened, stretching all the way back to 2016. In Spain, emergency regulations mean that residents are forbidden from coming with three feet of themselves.

Meanwhile, the USA’s advice to its citizens is that everything is fine and dreadful but it’s all okay except it’s going to get a lot worse, even though there’s nothing wrong and everyone is going to die.

In the UK, Boris Johnson has announced plans to lock up everyone over the age of 70. This, he said, had nothing to do with the coronavirus pandemic - it was just an idea he had while sitting on the toilet.

South Africa, known to many as the Africa of the South of Africa, has taken the outbreak seriously, ordering that all medical personnel in the country wash their hands every 20 seconds.

And in Russia, Vladimir Putin has released a calendar featuring photographs of him shirtless and punching samples of the coronavirus to death in a variety of breathtaking outdoor settings.

These decisive actions by world leaders will almost certainly make a very small difference to the spread of the coronavirus. And for that, they should be applauded.

New and popular mobile games round-up

New and popular mobile games round-up including Sexy Pet Shop
It's not just a pet shop...

Mobile games are more popular than ever, and so many are released every week it’s hard to keep up with the latest and best. Here’s a handy round-up of the new and popular mobile games available from your local app store:

  1. Sexy Pet Shop Choose from a variety of animals including hamsters, hedgehogs, foxes, cheetahs, hippos and giraffes in the game that’s taken the world by storm - fun, addictive, graphic, disturbing, and illegal in 39 countries and 13 US states.
  2. In-App Purchase Simulator From the same studio that brought you Loft Conversion Simulator, experience the excitement of removing ads from a game you thought was free or buying an in-game currency that’s the only feasible way to upgrade your magic hammer or intergalactic laser potato (in-app purchases required).
  3. Generic Sparkly Gem Match Game No.652 With its design and TV adverts that bear no relation to what the gameplay actually involves, Generic Sparkly Gem Match Game No.652 is easily the best generic sparkly gem match game since Generic Sparkly Gem Match Game No.407.