The Not Good.

Still better than a podcast about golf

Coronavirus sportspocalypse!

Coronavirus sportspocalypse!
Sports apocalypse (Sportspocalypse!)

Multi-millionaires who kick, hit or carry sports balls of all sizes were reeling today as sport after sport was brutally suspended, postponed or cancelled by the threat of the novel coronavirus.

COVID-19 has also prevented professional multi-millionaires from driving their multi-million dollar sports cars in a loop and has stopped multi-millionaire sports team owners from making multiple millions of dollars, causing a worldwide panic among sports fans concerned about the multi-millionaires.

“I hope the multi-millionaire owned multi-million dollar sports team that I affiliate myself with, and the multi-millionaire players who I root for every week will not lose any of their money,” said one fan who was facing eviction from his small apartment after being sent home from his minimum wage job when the business he worked for was shut because of coronavirus.

Another fan said: “I invest a lot of passion in, and give a lot of money to, the team of multi-millionaires I support in the hope that they will score more points than the other team of multi-millionaires that I dislike, and I’m concerned that the wealth of my team of multi-millionaires could suffer as a result of coronavirus.”

Whatever happens to the selfless multi-millionaires of sports, they can rest assured that they will have the unwavering support of the world’s best doctors and also the sports fans who love them. That’s the magic of sports.

Brexit Movie Reviews 01: Spectre (2015)

Brexit Movie Reviews - a picture of your reviewer
Your reviewer

Ah, there’s nothing more British - more English - than James Bond, an arrogant white bloke with an English accent who drinks a lot and punches people. No doubt once they get rid of Daniel Craig they’ll cast some bloody foreign disabled vegan lesbian and they’ll make her all touchy-feely and politically correct. Grr, don’t get me started on political correctness. Want to be rude about foreigners? Want to make a funny joke about them? No chance mate - the bloody Sharia police will be round to arrest you and send you to the re-education camps like they all do in foreignland.

Speaking of which, why does James Bond have to go to all these different foreign places all the time? Why can’t he stay in Britain? We’ve got lots of dramatic looking shit that’d be alright in a film - Cheddar Gorge, Wookey Hole. Coventry. And if you want a brilliant car chase there’s the bloody M6 mate. I mean, I haven’t seen Spectre - don’t need to to have an opinion on it, do I - but it seems to me it would be a much better film if Bond just stayed at home and got pissed and punched wankers like a proper Englishman.

And I’ll tell you what else: why do you never get to see the Bond girl’s tits? This isn’t a Carry On film, it’s a sophisticated piece of adult entertainment about a man with a biro that turns into a jet-ski, so let’s see some hoobly jooblies. Idiots. Did I tell you I used to be in the SAS?

FILM: Do Not Do Dying (2020)

Promotional material for James Bond film Do Not Do Dying (2020)
Promotional material for Do Not Do Dying

Craig David returns as James Bond in his latest high-octane adventure, the follow-up to 2015’s disappointing Skidmark. After his license to kill is reduced to a license to maim after a pre-credit sequence involving three nuns, a sledgehammer and some poor judgment, 007 is forced to team up with beautiful independent CIA operative Feisty Whoppers (Jill Woman). Together they are ordered to take out a cunning international badger baiter known only as Le Master Baiter.

Smashed off his man-tits on Martinis and cheap cider and popping pickled onions like pain pills, Bond travels the world somehow visiting places he’s never visited before in an attempt to catch Le Master Baiter before he blows up every badger on Earth with his orbiting satellite debadgerisation laser. Can 007 punch enough things, sleep with Feisty Whoppers before she’s arbitrarily murdered, and still find time to look inwards in an attempt to humanise himself for an audience asked to root for a professional killer? Find out in seven months if you haven’t died from coronavirus (124 minutes).

Coronavirus 1, bankers 0

Leonardo DiCrapio celebrates losing $130 billion of pretend money because of coronavirus
Who's cleaning up after that party? I bet it isn't you, mate.

COVID-19, the plucky coronavirus that’s transmitted largely via cruise ships, has exposed human civilisation for what it is - a construct as fragile as Donald Trump’s ego.

Governments have been rendered impotent in the face of the virus’s spread and, to no-one’s surprise, it turns out the made-up trading system responsible for the financial well-being of seven billion people is controlled by jittery bastards who’ll shit their britches and sell their grandmothers at the first hint of a light drizzle. Not the best time to start rationing the sale of toilet roll.

While bankers get crap happy over numbers on a screen, it’s fluorescently obvious to anyone else that the world’s financial system is based on one simple premise: keep your fingers crossed and hope everything will be okay forever. And when it isn’t, panic and dump everything. Then buy it back.

It doesn’t matter how bad things get. As long as the finely balanced, wafer thin system of human existence doesn’t totally break down and someone is making money, everything is copacetic. Everything’s made out of fluff painted to look like steel, and all it takes is a relatively mild virus to show it up for what it really is.

Someone somewhere is getting rich(er) off all this, though, so that’s okay.

How to avoid catching Coronavirus: important advice

Coronavirus (actual size)
Coronavirus (actual size)
  1. Don’t catch Coronavirus.
  2. Wash your hands, and the hands of everyone you meet, regularly.
  3. Cough or sneeze into the crook of your elbow. If the crook of your elbow is not available, use the crook of your knee.
  4. If you think you are showing symptoms of Coronavirus, immediately move to a crowded area and tell everyone there.
  5. Wearing a surgical mask will not prevent you from catching Coronavirus. Wearing a clown mask will.
  6. Most importantly, if you are attacked by a Coronavirus sufferer, protect your delicious brain by hitting your attacker with a shovel.

A short poem about Priti Patel, first revision

Priti Patel,
Will make your,
Life Hell.

FILM: Sex and the City 3 (2020)

A promotional image from the upcoming film Sex and the City 3
Boom! etc.

All the major characters from the TV series and films are back, just in time for them and their insufferable version of New York to be mercilessly obliterated by a huge fiery meteor (97 mins).