The Not Good.

Still better than a podcast about golf

Ban this sick filth

Last week I was handed a 12 hour ban by Twitter for my October 17th tweet “Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt’s cunt.”. I appealed the ban, but the appeal was unsuccessful.

A screenshot of my appeal against my Twitter ban
Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt's cunt

After a bit of thought, I decided to delete the offending tweet and, 12 hours later, I returned to Twitter. “Twitter gave me a 12 hour ban for, and forced me to delete, my “Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt’s cunt” tweet. Which is odd, because Jacob Rees-Mogg really *is* the cunt’s cunt.” I said, knowing full well what would happen.

And it did. About an hour ago Twitter handed me a seven day ban, which will start when I delete the offending tweet about the offending tweet. I’ve appealed the ban.

A screenshot of my appeal against my second Twitter ban
Jacob Rees-Mogg really is the cunt's cunt

I’m waiting for Twitter’s response, but I’m not hopeful.

To be clear, I’m not whingeing about Twitter banning me. It’s their site, they can enforce their rules however they see fit. For a site brimming with misogynists and fascists who issue death threats with gay abandon, though, my ban for expressing a non-violent, non-threatening personal opinion about a man who is quite clearly the cunt’s cunt seems like a misapplication of resources. I’m sure that cunt’s cunt Jacob Rees-Mogg would disagree.

Update 2019-10-30: Twitter rejected my appeal, so I have deleted the offending tweet about the offending tweet, starting the countdown to the end of my seven day ban.

A partially in-depth analysis of Boris Johnson’s proposed Withdrawal Agreement Bill

Having obtained, read and inwardly digested overnight the entire text of the proposed Withdrawal Agreement Bill, I can say with a high degree of confidence that Brexit under these or any terms will inevitably lead to the United Kingdom becoming significantly more fucked than it already is. This can be seen in the chart below.

A graph showing how fucked we are

As you can see, our current level of fucktitude is relatively low (though higher than most European countries) but, post-Brexit, this will dramatically increase to a level of fucktitude higher even than Luxembourg, if Luxembourg were made entirely of dog shit and James Blunt records.

The most widely used example of change pre- and post-Brexit is the import of medicine from the EU. Currently this is a frictionless process but, post-Brexit, medicine will be subject to enormous friction, causing some or all of the medicine to catch fire. Dr. Alan Pills, head of the British Medical Association, has predicted that this will be unhelpful.

The just-in-time manufacturing sector would be similarly disrupted. Currently this supply of essential components flows effortlessly and predictably, enabling efficient workflow. But, after Brexit, the man who says “Phew, just in time!” every time a new shipment arrives would be dragged into the gutter and given a kicking for being so annoying.

It isn’t just the supply of goods that would be affected. Services, too, will become much more difficult to procure. For example, the UK currently imports more than 750,000 marriage and funeral services annually from Poland, Spain, Italy and France. Post-Brexit, each vicar will need to be individually vetted and issued with his or her own ‘Priest Passport’, causing potentially enormous delays to marriages and deaths running into weeks or even months.

It’s clear, on inspection of the Withdrawal Agreement Bill, that Brexit will fuck every element of our lives from artichokes to zebras, and no-one enjoys a fucked artichoke or a fucked zebra. For that reason, and for the reasons I outline above, I urge MPs to vote down the Withdrawal Agreement Bill and give Boris Johnson a sharp smack in the man tits.

FILM: Gunfight at Gunfight Creek (1954)

A still from western film Gunfight at Gunfight Creek (1954)
A still from Gunfight at Gunfight Creek

The residents of Gunfight Creek, angry about the constant gunfights at Gunfight Creek, demand that the town name be changed by the unwilling mayor, sparking a feud that ends in a gunfight at Gunfight Creek.

New Euro Drama Coming to BBC4

A still from new French crime drama Les Merdes, starring Dominic Ejaculaire and Boristocrat Phallus
A still from Les Merdes

Coming soon to BBC4, new French crime drama Les Merdes, starring Dominic Ejaculaire as Jean Doody and Boristocrat Phallus as Franc Le Dung, two police detectives who defecate uncontrollably at every crime scene.

Vote Conservative!

The Conservative leadership battle rages on like a bad hairdo in filthy drizzle, sucking the life out of everyone and everything it touches. But it’s not all good - there are so many candidates it’s hard to know who stands for what, why, and where. Well worry no more - here’s your handy guide to What Twot Believes What:

Matt Hancock
“We need to keep no-deal on the table.”

Andrea Leadsom
“We need to keep no-deal under the table.”

Michael Gove
“We need to keep no-deal near the table.”

Sajid Javid
“We need to nail no-deal to the table with British nails.”

Kit Malthouse
“We need to choose carefully the table upon which no-deal will be kept.”

James Cleverly
“I will repaint the table or maybe varnish it, wait patiently for it to dry, then place no-deal on it.”

Rory Stewart
“The table is broken. I will hand-make a new table using tools made from the will of the people then, when everyone is happy with the table, I will put no-deal back on it.”

Mark Harper
“I don’t know who I am. Oo, is that a table?”

Boris Johnson
“Three hundred and fifty million tables to the NHS every week.”

Esther McVey
“Does the table come with chairs or are they extra?”

Dominic Raab
“I’ve failed to understand how close no-deal was to the table.”

Jeremy Hunt
“Table.”

A short poem about BBC Political Editor Laura Kuenssberg

Imagine an unquenchable thirst,
Or living in a house that’s cursed,
Or dealing with a pipe that’s burst,
Yet Laura Kuenssberg’s still the worst.

A short poem about punching Jacob Rees-Mogg

Let’s all have a civil war,
Pit the rich against the poor;
Fight to save the human race,
And hear Rees-Mogg scream “Not the face!”.