The Not Good.

“Hello old woman. I have poison on my hands. You will be dead in 15 minutes. Nice to meet you.”

“…Space, yeah, I invented that. I invented cars, I made them famous. I was the first person to put spaghetti with meatballs, not a lot of people know that. And computers. I made them famous, I invented them, invented the Microsoft, the Windows, you know. Elastic, tennis balls, smoke. I invented them. I invented smoke. Skin cream. I thought of that. No-one had thought of that until I thought of that. Birthday cards. People just used to go, you know, “Hey”, to people when it was their birthday until I invented the birthday card. First aid was one of mine. Before that there was only second aid. Gravel. Iceland. Peacocks. All mine. And let me tell you, I created reminders. Everyone, they’d forget things all the time until reminders came along. I did captions too. No-one knew what photographs were about until captions came along. I’m just naming things now, but then I invented naming things…”

“Look, he loves me so much he’s giving me a golden shower!”

Boris Johnson has claimed anti-racism protests in the UK have been “hijacked by extremists intent on being against racism”.

“Racism has served me very well in the past few years,” Johnson told a group of people who were probably journalists, “And I’m not about to turn my back on it when I’ll need it to get me through the next round of Brexit talks. Also, like my hero Winston Churchill, I am a massive racist.”

The prime minister said it was “absurd and shameful” that a statue of Winston Churchill was “at risk of attack” by protesters as it only represented “the good World War II things about the man and not the forced-sterilisation-advocating Indian-hating Irish-hating genocidal racist things that anti-racist people insist on remembering.

“Yes, he sometimes expressed opinions that were and are unacceptable to people who aren’t me, and he was responsible for starving millions of people to death, but he was a hero, not just a fucking maniac, and he fully deserves his memorial. To that end I’ve made sure Churchill will be doing the same thing I’ll be doing: hiding in a box until all this is over.”

“You know, thanks to me, the economy is looking great, jobs are looking great, I’m looking great, nobody’s talking about the 108,000 dead Americans, and I know my good friend George Lloyd would be enjoying this from wherever you religious guys like to believe he is now. Amen.

“I remember when me and Lorge were kids, playing in the park between Minnesota and New York and he said to me, he said “Donnie, when I die you gotta make the numbers work, you gotta fix the unemployment no matter what’s happening with the coronavirus, and you gotta dominate the battlespace. You gotta use my name, Donnie, but make sure it’s all about you. That’s the most important thing, Donnie,” he said, “You gotta make sure you look good.”

“And the other day when I personally cleared the crowds outside the White House, I knew my best friend Geord was looking down on me saying, “Good job Donnie. I always hated having human rights and that god-dammed constitution was a pain in my ass”. Well, we’re knocking over pensioners and tazing guys like you’ve never seen before, Florge, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m doing it for you, dead guy on the news, I’m doing it for you.

“So next time you’re in a protest or just minding your own business and you get murdered by a cop, remember they’re doing it to honour the memory of the man whose fault this all is, Floyd George. God Bless America.”

“Got this book here. Not sure what it is. Looks old, though. Wait, there’s some writing on the side. Holly Bible. I wonder who she is. Did she write this? I wonder if she’s got a great pair of… hey, wait, is this the God book? The famous one? I’m gonna hold this up and let these assholes take pictures of me. That seems like a presidenty thing to do.”