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Coronavirus: “Did I tell you I nearly died from Boris Johnson?”

Boris Johnson, pictured here scaring the frail
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In an exclusive interview with every newspaper in Britain, Boris Johnson has revealed that he nearly died from coronavirus. “I nearly died from coronavirus,” he shouted from a window in Downing Street to anyone within earshot.

“What happened was, I had coronavirus and I nearly died from it. The situation was so dire, plans were drawn up to milk my near death from coronavirus for everything it was worth in order to stave off criticism of my handling of the pandemic.”

When Johnson’s son was born, shortly after his recovery, he viewed it as a miracle. “I realised, having just nearly died from coronavirus, this was the perfect opportunity to extract as much good will from the public as possible. Naming the kid after the doctors was the icing on the cake.”

Asked about his response to the coronavirus, Johnson said, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to hide from my responsibilities. Did I tell you I nearly died from coronavirus? I named my son after the doctors. Let’s give £350 million a week to the NHS. Would you like the keys to my car?”

Carrie Symonds and Boris Johnson name baby son after doctors who saved PM’s life

Carrie Symonds and Boris Johnson pictured here being insufferable
"It's the least I could do. No, really."

The child will be called Overworked Underpaid Underappreciated Unheeded Underequipped Abandoned Johnson.

Coronavirus: Hancock once caught a fish “this big”

Matt Hancock, the man with two foreheads

“We have hit our testing targets, if you include all the tests we haven’t done yet.”

Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase like bullshitter in China shop

Donald Trump, pictured here blurting out self-serving randomly generated brain wind
So I karate-chopped the virus and it miraculously went away

“…China. China. China. I have the intelligence guys, the FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, BBC, NHS, the Secret Service, the Not-So Secret Service, the Extremely Secret Service, the CSI, PCP, LOL, BRB, OMG and WTF, all looking into China.

“My top medical experts and heads of intelligence and the fake news all tell me the virus occurred naturally but I have a friend, Mike - great guy, likes yachts - who saw a tweet about a movie where there was an outbreak, that the guy in the tweet hadn’t seen, who said they were doing something in a lab and something happened, and I gotta tell you, I was convinced. China has a lot to answer for and I have instructed my intelligence agencies to find proof that China let the virus out of a lab. I won’t accept any other theories, unless they involve aliens or some sort of genetically-enhanced super-puma.

“Let me tell you, even though there’s no evidence for China letting the virus out of a lab I’ve seen evidence that they did. I can’t tell you what that evidence is, even though I already have, so just forget what I said about that. China is responsible for all these people dying - not me - and we’re going to issue big punishments, very powerful punishments. We’re going to put tariffs and debt and sanctions in places like you’ve never seen. We’re going to withhold whatever it is we export to them and then the virus will just miraculously disappear. It’s going to be amazing, truly. Vote for me.”

History’s Worst Monster

Lyla, a cat, 2017
Lyla, a cat, 2017

Britain past its peak, says Johnson

Boris Johnson, pictured here gaslighting a nation from his on-message lectern
"So I said it's 12 inches but I don't use it as a rule"

Holding his first news conference since recovering from COVID-19, British Prime Minster Boris Johnson has offered hope to locked-down Britons, saying “I can confirm today, that for the first time, I am pa… we are past the peak of this disease, and Britain is on the downward slope to success.

“A lot of people - the ones who haven’t died at least - have said that we have the second-highest official COVID-19 death toll in Europe. But to them, I say, thanks to people like me we are no longer part of Europe, so those statistics aren’t valid. The EU has made a terrible mess of its coronavirus response, and the mess I have made of our own shows us we don’t need Europe to screw things up for us when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves. Hooray.

“With that in mind, and with rising unemployment and many companies crippled, I promise next week to set out a lockdown exit strategy, which will most likely involve me lying on beach for a week. I’ve had coronavirus, you know, and I don’t need all this hassle.”

Boris Johnson reveals unexpected side-effects of COVID-19

Boris Johnson pictured standing at the top of a flight of stairs, looking like a git

“It’s made my arm shorter and my tie longer.”