The Not Good.

Still better than a podcast about golf

Coronavirus: Boris Johnson returns to work

Boris Johnson, who returned to work today after lounging around in bed for a week
Boris Johnson, who has definitely had coronavirus

“First of all, I’d like to say that it’s good to be back at work after my battle with the coronavirus, from which I nearly died. But I’m not here to talk about that.

“This virus, which I had and which nearly killed me, is like an invisible mugger, stealing your health wallet and your stability smartphone and threatening you with a big disruption knife. This is the moment when we have begun, together, to wrestle it to the floor and kick it in the recovery nuts until it pukes up its contagion pelvis. In that sense, we have defied so many mugger-based predictions.

“We did not run out of ventilators or ICU beds. Despite my party’s best efforts, we did not allow our NHS to collapse, and on the contrary we have so far collectively shielded our NHS so that, armed with nothing more than three pairs of Marigold gloves and a bottle of supermarket own-brand bleach, our incredible doctors and nurses and healthcare staff have been able to shield all of us from an outbreak that would have been far worse.

“What that means is that we are obviously giving the NHS far too much money and I will be working urgently to provide a comprehensive program of cuts to ensure that never happens again. Hooray for me.”

Here is where time is on our side

A photograph taken in Great Yarmouth, England, in 2016
Great Yarmouth, England, 2016

Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase brainstorms at briefing

Donald Trump lays out his plans to combat the coronavirus with cosmic rays
This man is not a doctor

“…what you just heard Dr Faffengannet, uh, Mr Lampenpooper, Agent Spaceranger from the NSA say, is that sunlight is the key. Heat and sunlight. And disinfectant. Even though the virus may not come back in the winter, we’re trying to get the sun to stick around all year. Usually it just goes away for the winter, goes on vacation - can’t do that this year, can’t do that - so we’re hoping for big things.

“If that doesn’t work out there are other things we can do. We could maybe fly the sick people to the sun or invade the sun I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a doctor. I’m just spitballing here, even though you shouldn’t spit right now, or ever, it’s not nice. I spoke to the governor of Georgia earlier and he agreed with me that spitting isn’t nice, which was nice. He’s a great guy, that guy, no spitting, doesn’t spit. Great guy.

“And if the sun doesn’t work out that’s okay. We have these things called fires these days. Fires. They’re amazing really. A really powerful fire could maybe cure the sick people. Could we inject the people with fire, maybe pump it into the lungs, kill the virus? Is that doable, Dr Birx? I don’t know, I’m not an arsonist.

“And there’s the bleach, the disinfectant, the bleach. That kills the virus in a minute. A minute. Can you imagine? We could remove the lungs maybe, the lungs of the sick people, and wash them down with bleach. You see that in the movies but I don’t know if it works, I’m not an actor, though I used to be an actor. I was in Home Alone 2, big movie. I was the kid in that, did you know that? A lot of people thought I was the guy in the hotel but I was the kid. Some people said it was the best acting they’d ever seen, but the fake news said I was the guy in the hotel and they never gave me the Oscar. So I gave up the acting. I was very busy anyway.

“I know you fake news guys though, you’ll say the NSA, what do they know about viruses? Are you ready? My computer had a virus - not the corona, not the plague, but a virus - and they sent a guy and he cured my computer. Completely cured. No more virus. I should have had the Oscar that year…”

Coronavirus: More must see lockdown TV

Haemorrhagic Mike (Film4): Mike and the Kings of Tampa contract Ebola in this sexy and upsetting sequel.

Paul Hollywood Scoffs a Dog (Channel 4): Scouse barn Paul Hollywood shows us that dogs aren’t for life but they will keep for about three months in the freezer.

Fucking Comedians Doing Fucking Shows from Their Fucking Homes (All Fucking Channels): Fucking comedians who were on the phone to their fucking agents the minute the fucking lockdown started excitedly pitching a fucking show they can do from their fucking homes do their fucking shows from their fucking homes, probably with contributions from their fucking eccentric and/or grumpy parents.

Hand-Wash Gogglebox (Channel 4): People watch and comment on people washing their hands while washing their hands.

Coronavirus: Trump explains his plans for America

U.S. President Donald Trump pictured here fisting 315 million Americans

“…Right up to the elbow, baby.”

Tourism Dept

Image shows a lifebelt and attached orange rope on a wall in Scarborough, England, dated 2014
Scarborough, England, 2014

Coronavirus: World in shock as Trump reveals he did a ban on China

Donald Trump, pictured here not doing a ban on China
China. China. Chiiiina

The world was reeling this morning after Donald Trump revealed at his latest coronavirus briefing that he had done a ban on China in January.

“I did a ban on China in January,” Trump told stunned reporters. “I banned China. Nobody wanted to do that. I didn’t want to do that. But I stopped China. China. I had a billion maps printed without China on them. China ceased to exist for a little while there, let me tell you. I did a ban on China. There were 21 guys in the room and 29 of them didn’t want a ban on China but I did a ban on China. We had 15 cases, 10 cases, there were no cases in America. Nobody had died but I did a ban on China and if I hadn’t done a ban on China we would have had 400 million deaths just in America. But because I did the ban on China we’ve had only a few deaths - some people even came back to life I heard, which is something that’s never happened before. China. They looked at me like I was crazy but I did the ban on China and now we don’t need testing - even though we have the best tests, beautiful tests - because I did the ban on China. You know when I did the ban? January. January. No-one had even heard of the virus in January, but I knew and I did the ban. I banned China. China.”