“My husband and I are as concerned as you about the COVID-19 Coronavirus, as leading epidemiologists have informed us that it affects posh people too.
“We know this is a period of great concern and uncertainty but it will be of some comfort to you, I’m sure, to know that my family and I have access to the best doctors. As Philip often says, “I’m worth three of any of those barbarians out there”, so you can rest assured that our health will be prioritised over yours.
“Much like you, I have received delivery of 14 tons of lavatory paper, which has been distributed to each of my 78 bathrooms here at Buckingham Palace before we leave for Balmoral tomorrow. Once there we will be kept in complete safety, with ample Andrex, until all one’s loyal subjects have recovered or, more likely, died.
“Also, much like you, I shall be working from one of one’s homes, launching ships over the internet and asking one’s subjects on Skype what it is they do. One shall attempt to stave off boredom by counting one’s money and watching Palaces Under the Hammer on my exclusive BBC channel, paid for with your licence fee.
“At times such as these, one is reminded that our nation has been forged by people less rich than I at our family’s behest and now, more than any time in our recent past, it is clear you did not do a good enough job. Today, and in the coming days, weeks and months, please remember to stay away from Philip and I. Thank you.”