Big Ben – you big towery bastard – you’ve gone silent just when the indignant pink-faced spluttering arseflaps of Brexit need you most. Never mind that before David Cameron inadvertently destroyed the country not a single one of those frothing tosspots had ever given a silent fart about Big Ben, its bongs or its clapper – Big Ben is now the shining needle that the country’s short-sighted, small-minded Union Jack-waving Gavins and Yvonnes will use to prick the country right out of the EU.
“Bung a bob to make Big Ben bong for Brexit!” Boris burbled bemi-boherently. “Big Ben must bong for Brexit!” the Daily Express quacked. “Bung Big Ben up Boris’s Backside!” No-one suggested, disappointingly. Why must Bigbenbong? Because if Big Ben doesn’t bong for Brexit then no Leaver will get the exact Brexit they demanded, when they voted to start this self-abuse nearly four years ago. Every single one of them voted Leave with one dream between them – that Spitfires would zoom over Big Ben as it bonged cheering crowds of backward-looking fuckwits into Britain’s brave new world of independence, before flying across the channel and bombing those bloody garlic-eating French garçons with tens of thousands of pairs of Union Jack boxer shorts. Without the bongs of Big Ben, the Spitfires, the Union Jack boxer shorts, even the jingoism, will just seem like spiteful, empty gestures.
Brexiteers started whacking off over their dream of freedom almost four years ago and that they could be deprived of their bongs just as they reach the vinegar strokes is something no Leaver will tolerate. Therefore Big Ben must bong for Brexit or Brexit will become an eternal one off the wrist demanding more and more extreme acts of nationalism enabling Leavers to finally achieve exit, all over the faces of those bureaucratic Brussels bastards.