Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase brainstorms at briefing

Donald Trump lays out his plans to combat the coronavirus with cosmic rays
This man is not a doctor

“…what you just heard Dr Faffengannet, uh, Mr Lampenpooper, Agent Spaceranger from the NSA say, is that sunlight is the key. Heat and sunlight. And disinfectant. Even though the virus may not come back in the winter, we’re trying to get the sun to stick around all year. Usually it just goes away for the winter, goes on vacation – can’t do that this year, can’t do that – so we’re hoping for big things.

“If that doesn’t work out there are other things we can do. We could maybe fly the sick people to the sun or invade the sun I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a doctor. I’m just spitballing here, even though you shouldn’t spit right now, or ever, it’s not nice. I spoke to the governor of Georgia earlier and he agreed with me that spitting isn’t nice, which was nice. He’s a great guy, that guy, no spitting, doesn’t spit. Great guy.

“And if the sun doesn’t work out that’s okay. We have these things called fires these days. Fires. They’re amazing really. A really powerful fire could maybe cure the sick people. Could we inject the people with fire, maybe pump it into the lungs, kill the virus? Is that doable, Dr Birx? I don’t know, I’m not an arsonist.

“And there’s the bleach, the disinfectant, the bleach. That kills the virus in a minute. A minute. Can you imagine? We could remove the lungs maybe, the lungs of the sick people, and wash them down with bleach. You see that in the movies but I don’t know if it works, I’m not an actor, though I used to be an actor. I was in Home Alone 2, big movie. I was the kid in that, did you know that? A lot of people thought I was the guy in the hotel but I was the kid. Some people said it was the best acting they’d ever seen, but the fake news said I was the guy in the hotel and they never gave me the Oscar. So I gave up the acting. I was very busy anyway.

“I know you fake news guys though, you’ll say the NSA, what do they know about viruses? Are you ready? My computer had a virus – not the corona, not the plague, but a virus – and they sent a guy and he cured my computer. Completely cured. No more virus. I should have had the Oscar that year…”

Coronavirus: NHS staff told to re-use equipment they don’t have

Health Secretary Matt Hancock pictured here being ineffective
Stay home, protect the NHS, because we can’t

Mild waft Matt Hancock has told NHS staff they must bring their own equipment in from home in order to continue the fight against COVID-19.

Spoons, oven gloves, shower caps, washing-up liquid, hosepipes, bleach, tweezers and sellotape will all be pressed into service, Hancock said, after admitting he had been sniped in an eBay auction for personal protective equipment (PPE) on Thursday while he was having his tea.

“It turns out that buying medical equipment during a global pandemic is really hard,” Hancock told his mum in a phone call late last night. “All I’ve managed to get in three months is an empty cardboard box with the word ‘ventilator’ written on it and 3000 copies of The Mask on DVD.”

Hancock has also announced plans to use the £20 million raised by 99-year-old war veteran Tom Moore to build a warehouse for storing PPE.