Boris the Builder: “If you build it I will come”

Britain's Prime Minister Doris Bronson fisting a speech
“I’m going to build things with your bare hands!”

“…And to those who say Build Build Build is an unimaginative slogan I say, it’s a lazy slogan more than it is unimaginative. But that’s beside the point. We’re going to build, baby, we’re going to build big tall things and do things with roads and we’re going to build a bridge to the Moon, motherfuckers, a big bridge so we can trade cheese with the Moon Men. Those Moon Men love cheese. It’s a new deal. The old deal was pretty shitty and so is the new one, but it’s a new type of shitty deal for the 21st century – extra shitty and with less privacy somehow. Build build build until we get tired or run out of building materials. The whole country’s going to sound like hammering and there’ll be builders’ cracks as far as the eye can see, baby. That’s Britain, motherfuckers – arse cracks and banging. Plus there’s going to be a 300ft tall solid gold statue of me in Parliament Square, sticking my cock in Churchill’s ear. Brexit Britain!”

Boris puts dick in box

A statue of Winston Churchill inside a box in London, like a fat racist David Blaine
I’m a Churchill in a box, I’m a Churchill in a concrete box…

Boris Johnson has claimed anti-racism protests in the UK have been “hijacked by extremists intent on being against racism”.

“Racism has served me very well in the past few years,” Johnson told a group of people who were probably journalists, “And I’m not about to turn my back on it when I’ll need it to get me through the next round of Brexit talks. Also, like my hero Winston Churchill, I am a massive racist.”

The prime minister said it was “absurd and shameful” that a statue of Winston Churchill was “at risk of attack” by protesters as it only represented “the good World War II things about the man and not the forced-sterilisation-advocating Indian-hating Irish-hating genocidal racist things that anti-racist people insist on remembering.

“Yes, he sometimes expressed opinions that were and are unacceptable to people who aren’t me, and he was responsible for starving millions of people to death, but he was a hero, not just a fucking maniac, and he fully deserves his memorial. To that end I’ve made sure Churchill will be doing the same thing I’ll be doing: hiding in a box until all this is over.”

PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”

Coronavirus: PM’s lockdown changes explained

Boris Johnson staying alert, staying alert, ah-ah-ah-ah, staying alert
Be alert – Britain needs lerts, etc.

The government’s new rules easing the country’s coronavirus lockdown have confused many people but, once the waffle is stripped away, it’s all pretty simple. Here’s a brief, clear summary of this new phase of coping with the pandemic:

Work

People will be able to return to work unless they shouldn’t in which case they won’t but, if you work in an industry, it is safe for you to work if that industry is one that is not allowed to re-open. If you need to use public transport to get to work, don’t, especially if some of the rules above might not apply to you. Work from home where possible, but don’t work from someone else’s home unless you are a burglar.

Home

People will be able to leave their homes as long as they do not go outside. Face coverings must be worn at some times but not at others. This is crucial. Unlimited outdoor exercise may be taken, but this should be limited to one unlimited exercise per day, lasting no longer that one hour or until it is time to go back inside, whichever is the best. If the conditions are right, it is important that you continue to go to the toilet.

Piece of cake

As you can see, it’s all quite straightforward. Most importantly of all, though, remember what Boris Johnson said: “We are beating this virus even as the infection rate continues to climb, but we must be alert. If you see the virus lurking in someone’s back yard or near a pensioner, call the police immediately”.

Coronavirus: five-stage alert system unveiled

Boris Johnson, rice pudding in a suit
Combed his hair, must be serious

Boris Johnson has today announced the government’s five-stage coronavirus alert system, which will indicate to the nation how vague the country’s current pandemic strategy is. The system will be administered by a new ‘joint biosecurity centre’, made up of a civil servant and a dart board.

The government's five-stage coronavirus alert system.
The five stages of doom

The alert levels range from green (level one) to red (level five). Each level signifies almost nothing, but will give First Secretary of State Dominic Raab something to point at during the government’s daily coronavirus briefings.

Asked to comment on how effective the system is expected to be, Johnson said: “Not as effective as our new slogan, obviously, but it at least makes it look like we’ve been doing something for the past week.”

Huge blow to coronavirus as UK government unveils new slogan

There was much rejoicing in the streets today as Prime Minister Boris Johnson dealt a huge blow to COVID-19 with the unveiling of his new slogan, “Oh God We’re All Going to Die”.

The UK government's new COVID-19 slogan, "Oh God, we're all going to die".

“While other countries have been researching treatments and vaccines for the virus,” Johnson said in a pre-recorded message to the nation, “Our government has been hard at work devising a new slogan that we believe will be a significant step in driving the virus back. We’re very proud of our hard work, and we believe this great new slogan will spread like wildfire around the country.”

Other political leaders in the UK were united in condemning the slogan, saying it was “irresponsible” to use yellow and green together.

Johnson said: “We went through a number of iterations of the slogan, including “Don’t Blame Boris”, “It’s Not Boris’s Fault”, “Not Everyone is Going to Die”, “Hey, You Never Know, it Might be Okay” and “Go Out if You Want, We Don’t Care”, but eventually we settled on the realistic and catchy slogan you see before you today.”

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said Scotland would not be adopting the slogan yet, but may do so when the population of the country drops below 15.