Boris the Builder: “If you build it I will come”

Britain's Prime Minister Doris Bronson fisting a speech
“I’m going to build things with your bare hands!”

“…And to those who say Build Build Build is an unimaginative slogan I say, it’s a lazy slogan more than it is unimaginative. But that’s beside the point. We’re going to build, baby, we’re going to build big tall things and do things with roads and we’re going to build a bridge to the Moon, motherfuckers, a big bridge so we can trade cheese with the Moon Men. Those Moon Men love cheese. It’s a new deal. The old deal was pretty shitty and so is the new one, but it’s a new type of shitty deal for the 21st century – extra shitty and with less privacy somehow. Build build build until we get tired or run out of building materials. The whole country’s going to sound like hammering and there’ll be builders’ cracks as far as the eye can see, baby. That’s Britain, motherfuckers – arse cracks and banging. Plus there’s going to be a 300ft tall solid gold statue of me in Parliament Square, sticking my cock in Churchill’s ear. Brexit Britain!”

Coronavirus: Britain in lockdown

Boris Johnson looking pissed off because coronavirus means he has to do some work
Porridge and hay: the face of Britain

In an attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, Britain has been ordered into lockdown, which in reality is far less dramatic than it sounds and generally involves a lot more sighing and watching stuff on YouTube.

The government’s extreme response to COVID-19 has shocked idiots sitting in Wetherspoons bragging about their spare bedroom full of hand sanitiser and dried pasta, who thought social distancing meant waiting an extra five minutes before replying to a text message.

The new rules mean that police are now able to shoot anyone who looks a bit peaky and can hand out fines to anyone they believe is thinking about coughing. Congregating on internet forums is banned, as is group messaging. The only exceptions to the lockdown are for:

  • Manufacturing toilet roll
  • Getting more toilet roll in
  • Going to the shops to ask when they’ll be getting more toilet roll in

In an attempt to address the toilet paper shortage, the NHS has issued advice reminding people that the Daily Mail is still being printed.