“…well, Fauci worked for Obama, everyone knows that. I didn’t know that but now I know that. And Obama, you know, is a Democrat, he’s a big Democrat, one of the biggest actually – I bet you didn’t know that. And then you add to that the Obamagate, and we all know what that’s about. I knew about that way before anyone else, same as the virus, the disease, the invisible plague, Obama, Fauci, the corona, Obama – the Obamavirus, I call it. Obama spoke to China once. On the phone, did I tell you that? When he was president – illegitimate president – Obamaillegitipres, I called him. He had a big phone call with the Chinese president President Xi Jinping – big phone call, huge – I called it the Obamacall – and then four years later the virus hits – I mean, it’s undeniable. You can’t deny it. Obamagate, you’re going to be hearing a lot about that instead of the other thing, the 83,000 dead people, the Obamadead, I call them…”
“…China. China. China. I have the intelligence guys, the FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, BBC, NHS, the Secret Service, the Not-So Secret Service, the Extremely Secret Service, the CSI, PCP, LOL, BRB, OMG and WTF, all looking into China.
“My top medical experts and heads of intelligence and the fake news all tell me the virus occurred naturally but I have a friend, Mike – great guy, likes yachts – who saw a tweet about a movie where there was an outbreak, that the guy in the tweet hadn’t seen, who said they were doing something in a lab and something happened, and I gotta tell you, I was convinced. China has a lot to answer for and I have instructed my intelligence agencies to find proof that China let the virus out of a lab. I won’t accept any other theories, unless they involve aliens or some sort of genetically-enhanced super-puma.
“Let me tell you, even though there’s no evidence for China letting the virus out of a lab I’ve seen evidence that they did. I can’t tell you what that evidence is, even though I already have, so just forget what I said about that. China is responsible for all these people dying – not me – and we’re going to issue big punishments, very powerful punishments. We’re going to put tariffs and debt and sanctions in places like you’ve never seen. We’re going to withhold whatever it is we export to them and then the virus will just miraculously disappear. It’s going to be amazing, truly. Vote for me.”
The world was reeling this morning after Donald Trump revealed at his latest coronavirus briefing that he had done a ban on China in January.
“I did a ban on China in January,” Trump told stunned reporters. “I banned China. Nobody wanted to do that. I didn’t want to do that. But I stopped China. China. I had a billion maps printed without China on them. China ceased to exist for a little while there, let me tell you. I did a ban on China. There were 21 guys in the room and 29 of them didn’t want a ban on China but I did a ban on China. We had 15 cases, 10 cases, there were no cases in America. Nobody had died but I did a ban on China and if I hadn’t done a ban on China we would have had 400 million deaths just in America. But because I did the ban on China we’ve had only a few deaths – some people even came back to life I heard, which is something that’s never happened before. China. They looked at me like I was crazy but I did the ban on China and now we don’t need testing – even though we have the best tests, beautiful tests – because I did the ban on China. You know when I did the ban? January. January. No-one had even heard of the virus in January, but I knew and I did the ban. I banned China. China.”
“…can be cured by hitting it with a brick. As a result, I will be suspending America’s contributions to the World Health Organization, the World Organization for Health, the Organization for World Health and the Health Organization for the World. Also, the World Wildlife Fund – because I don’t like wildlife, hate wildlife – the Seven Wonders of the World, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, World War II – but not World War I – the World Wide Web, the World Trade Center and Guinness World Records.
“All those organizations, all those organizations, covered up China’s role in the virus outbreak and the World Wildlife Fund in particular – we all know what they’ve been up to with the pandas, I’ll tell you about it someday. That’s not right, what they’re doing with the pandas. They’re bears, you know, pandas – that’s why we call them panda bears. I didn’t know that until yesterday but I’ve always known that.
“The ventilators, we’ve made so many ventilators. The best ventilators. We could have had the ventilators that killed people but we made the good kind of ventilator. We’ve built thousands of ventilators – two, nearly three thousand ventilators. We’ve got ventilators coming out of our factories. NASA built a space ventilator in case space gets the virus. The states were all saying we need 40,000 ventilators but I sent them 20 or 30 ventilators and no-one’s died – no-one in America has died from the virus, we’ve done a job like you wouldn’t believe…”
After 76 days, the Chinese government has lifted the lockdown on Wuhan, the city where the novel coronavirus is believed to have originated.
Official mandatory celebrations were organised for the occasion, including a huge coughing festival and an attempt to break the world record for the most people with a fever crammed into one train.
“This is a great day for China,” said one terrified citizen, so full of patriotic fervour he was struggling to breathe. “I am so thankful to President Xi I may drop dead of gratitude right here.”