Coronavirus: Boris Johnson’s letter to the country

A dignified Boris Johnson has written a letter to the country about coronavirus
Coronavirus as viewed under a microscope

10 DOWNING STREET, LONDON SW1A 2AA

THE PRIME MINISTER

I am writing to you to update you on the steps I am taking to combat being blamed for coronavirus.

In just a few short weeks, my everyday life in this country has changed dramatically. I am feeling the profound impact of coronavirus not just on myself, but on my reputation.

I understand completely the difficulties this disruption has caused to my life and job. But the action I have taken to cover my arse is absolutely necessary, for one very simple reason.

If too many people become seriously unwell at one time, it will become clear that 10 years of a Conservative government destroying the NHS will leave it unable to cope. This will cost lives. We must slow the spread of facts about my early mishandling of the coronavirus crisis, and reduce the number of people blaming me for the NHS not being able to provide the hospital treatment needed in order to save as many lives as possible.

This is why we are giving one simple instruction – you must not blame me.

You should not meet friends or relatives who do not fully support me. You may only leave your home for very limited purposes, such as telling people it’s not my fault or voting Conservative. You can travel to and from work but should not blame me.

When you do have to leave your home, you should ensure, wherever possible, that you are two metres apart from anyone who might hold me responsible.

These rules must be observed. So, if people blame me, the police will issue fines and disperse propaganda.

I know many of you will be deeply worried about the financial impact on me and my family. The Government will do whatever it takes to help me make ends meet and put food on my table.

The enclosed leaflet sets out more detail about how you should not blame me and the rules you need to follow. You can also find the latest advice on how to not blame me at gov.uk/dontblameme

From the start, we have sought to appear as though we were putting in the right measures at the right time. We will not hesitate to go further if that is what the public relations team and polling advice tells us we must do.

It’s important for me to appear to level with you – we know the number of people blaming me will get worse before it gets better. But we are making the right preparations, and the more we all don’t blame me, the fewer votes will be lost and the sooner life can return to Brexit.

I want to thank everyone who is working flat out to get me off the hook, in particular the staff in our fantastic PR companies across England, Scotland, Wales and the other one. I forget what it’s called. Anyway. It has been truly inspirational to see our spin doctors, copywriters and Daily Telegraph journalists rise magnificently to the needs of the hour.

Thousands of retired spin doctors and slogan writers are returning to the PR industry – and hundreds of thousands of citizens are volunteering to help the most vulnerable Conservative MPs. It is with that great British spirit that we will defeat coronavirus and we will beat it together without blaming me.

That is why, at this moment of national emergency, I urge you, please, to not blame me, not blame the Conservative Party and save me.

Boris Johnson