Weekend Sports Report

Golfer Braxton Slacks is pictured here throwing a golf club in the air which I have wilfully misinterpreted as a display of telekinesis for "comedic" purposes
“And for my next trick…”

Golf: Drama in the sport of dullards as reasonably famous golfer Braxton Slacks (above) was disqualified from the Anusol Soothing Eighteen Holes Outdoor Open Masters Open Tournament Masters for an overt use of telekinesis. Further up the field (also known as the fairway), hot favourites Roundabout Spleen and Tom Golfer were erased from existence by an as yet unborn golf-hating time traveller.

Baseball: Drama on Saturday as the Minnesota Baseball Players beat the Pittsburgh Douchebags by 16 cases of coronavirus to 9. As a result Major League Baseball has announced that future games will take place with each team in a separate stadium on different continents and the commentators on the International Space Station.

Tennis: Drama erupted this weekend for the first time in tennis history when world number one Willie Waever was disqualified from his match with fellow world number one Chutney Gimbal for arguing with the umpire, the net, the grass, a man he called at random on his mobile phone, and the sky.

Chivalry: Drama at the North European World Pan-Asian Chivalry Finals when top doubles teaming Pimples O’Frimp and Towser Brony tossed their cloaks onto rival pair Trapezium Jones and Yampers Gymbag’s puddle, causing widespread swooning.

Cricket: Drama in the third test twice removed between France and Kazakhstan in the North Atlantic when both teams were swallowed by an unusually large penguin.

That Dominic Cummings statement in full

Dominic Cummings, pictured here delivering his concise and believable statement
My vision had been a bit weird…

“Good day. I have been asked here against my will so that I can explain my actions during the lockdown and the thinking behind them.

“So basically what happened was, on the Thursday I think it was or maybe the Friday – it was day 14 of the lockdown so probably Tuesday the 11th – me or my wife – I’m not sure which – had symptoms of COVID so I immediately got out of or into my car – I’m not sure which – and drove to the house to collect my wife and child.

“I then drove them to my parents’ house in County Durham which had a spare house inside it – not even a nice house, it’s just wattle and daub and spiders – then I drove back home, only to realise I’d left my wife and child in the car. I dropped them at the house – I’m not sure which house – and immediately drove them back to County Durham. At that point I realised I had already dropped my wife and child off in County Durham, so now I had two wives and two children.

“At this point one of my wives – I’m not sure which one – was sick, so I immediately drove to London to buy some paracetamol. Did I mention there was no childcare available and phones hadn’t been invented yet? Anyway, by this time my COVID symptoms were causing me to hallucinate big ducks, which made the trip back to County Durham a bit of a worry, so I drove to County Durham, picked up my wives and children and drove to Plymouth to see if I was up to driving to Durham. At no point did I leave my parents’ land.

We stayed in Plymouth no more than thirty seconds before driving back to County Durham with my wives and children, picking up my wives and children, and driving back to London. At this point I could barely get out of bed and my now four wives and four children were concerned that there was no childcare of any sort available for me. They then drove to County Durham to buy some petrol and I was cleared to return to work.

“I’m sure some people will find this explanation unreasonable but the lockdown rules clearly state that it isn’t. I hope this clears up the matter. Now I must depart in my ornithopter as I have a meeting in Tring. Good day.”

PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”

Put your sports hat back on – sports is back on!

Sportsreturn! graphic

The coronavirus has robbed us of many things but by far the worst robbery has been of sports from us. The majestic doing of things with balls or sometimes cars for money and big metal plates has been sorely missed by those of us who sorely miss sports when they are not being played.

Now, as America starts to forget about the virus still sweeping the nation, a new and exciting virus has begun to sweep across the same nation but in the opposite direction – the sports virus, and it’s contagious.

Whether your favourite sports team or sports person (hey, women play sports too!) hits a ball, kicks a ball, throws a ball or drives a ball, hits another human in the face and torso, drives a car or does things on ice, you can bet those teams or people have been itching to get back on the field, pitch, track, ring, rink or court so they can throw some more money on the big pile of money they keep in the money pile room of their achievement-filled mansions.

So don’t forget to tune in to Sports World, World of Sports, Sports Night World, Global Sports USA, Sports on Earth, Monday Night Physical Contest Planet, American Sports Sphere, or whichever blazer-ridden jockfest you prefer to enjoy the return of all the sports!

Uncle Nutcase grouchy about Fauci; contaminates debate with Obamagate

Donald Trump, pictured here being absolutely mental
“Of course before I became president all this was fields…”

“…well, Fauci worked for Obama, everyone knows that. I didn’t know that but now I know that. And Obama, you know, is a Democrat, he’s a big Democrat, one of the biggest actually – I bet you didn’t know that. And then you add to that the Obamagate, and we all know what that’s about. I knew about that way before anyone else, same as the virus, the disease, the invisible plague, Obama, Fauci, the corona, Obama – the Obamavirus, I call it. Obama spoke to China once. On the phone, did I tell you that? When he was president – illegitimate president – Obamaillegitipres, I called him. He had a big phone call with the Chinese president President Xi Jinping – big phone call, huge – I called it the Obamacall – and then four years later the virus hits – I mean, it’s undeniable. You can’t deny it. Obamagate, you’re going to be hearing a lot about that instead of the other thing, the 83,000 dead people, the Obamadead, I call them…”

Coronavirus: PM’s lockdown changes explained

Boris Johnson staying alert, staying alert, ah-ah-ah-ah, staying alert
Be alert – Britain needs lerts, etc.

The government’s new rules easing the country’s coronavirus lockdown have confused many people but, once the waffle is stripped away, it’s all pretty simple. Here’s a brief, clear summary of this new phase of coping with the pandemic:

Work

People will be able to return to work unless they shouldn’t in which case they won’t but, if you work in an industry, it is safe for you to work if that industry is one that is not allowed to re-open. If you need to use public transport to get to work, don’t, especially if some of the rules above might not apply to you. Work from home where possible, but don’t work from someone else’s home unless you are a burglar.

Home

People will be able to leave their homes as long as they do not go outside. Face coverings must be worn at some times but not at others. This is crucial. Unlimited outdoor exercise may be taken, but this should be limited to one unlimited exercise per day, lasting no longer that one hour or until it is time to go back inside, whichever is the best. If the conditions are right, it is important that you continue to go to the toilet.

Piece of cake

As you can see, it’s all quite straightforward. Most importantly of all, though, remember what Boris Johnson said: “We are beating this virus even as the infection rate continues to climb, but we must be alert. If you see the virus lurking in someone’s back yard or near a pensioner, call the police immediately”.