Trump on sharks

President Donald Trump points at something the rest of us can't see
You’re going to need a bigger vote

“…I tell you, sharks are crazy. Did you know there’s a type of shark called a shit shark? It lives in San Francisco and runs a coffee shop. Shunned by all the other sharks. They live in the sea, you know, mostly, the sharks do. That’s ridiculous, but the sharks don’t know that. All they do is swim around and eat people. They say the sharks are part of the deep state but I don’t know, you know.

“I had a shark guy call me up on the phone – I don’t think he was a guy who was also a shark, I think he was a shark genius – and he told me they caught a shark living in an apartment in France that was 35 feet long and when they cut it open they found a guy living in there – he had a sofa-bed and an oil lamp, TV, everything. Split level grill. Sharks are crazy, just crazy.

“They used sharks during the war, you know – the Vietnam War, that was a great war – they’d sneak up on our troops in the jungles, just terrible. That was the reason we lost that war, the sharks. And Obama. What’s this rectangle on a pole here, what is that? Why does my thumb look like a penis? Sharks are rigging the election. Vote for me as many times as you can, goodnight!”

The big question: do 5G masts spread coronavirus?

A picture of a coronavirus-spreading 5G mast
Fun time phone mast coronavirus conspiracy balls

During this worrying and uncertain time, the question of how COVID-19 has spread so quickly around the globe is one everybody wants an answer to. The most stunning theory that has emerged is that 5G phone masts are spreading coronavirus.

But are they? Well, if you’re seriously asking yourself that question, what you need to know is that of course they fucking aren’t, you brain-dead fact-dodging bleach-drinking flat-Earth anti-vaxx QAnon pizzagate chemtrail aliens-are-among-us new-age deep-state storm-Area-51 total fucking fuckwit.

What the fuck has gone wrong with you that you would believe this sort of baseless crap? Seriously. Get your fucking act together or fuck off as far away as possible, have a cup of tea and a rest, and then fuck off some more.