Trump on sharks

President Donald Trump points at something the rest of us can't see
You’re going to need a bigger vote

“…I tell you, sharks are crazy. Did you know there’s a type of shark called a shit shark? It lives in San Francisco and runs a coffee shop. Shunned by all the other sharks. They live in the sea, you know, mostly, the sharks do. That’s ridiculous, but the sharks don’t know that. All they do is swim around and eat people. They say the sharks are part of the deep state but I don’t know, you know.

“I had a shark guy call me up on the phone – I don’t think he was a guy who was also a shark, I think he was a shark genius – and he told me they caught a shark living in an apartment in France that was 35 feet long and when they cut it open they found a guy living in there – he had a sofa-bed and an oil lamp, TV, everything. Split level grill. Sharks are crazy, just crazy.

“They used sharks during the war, you know – the Vietnam War, that was a great war – they’d sneak up on our troops in the jungles, just terrible. That was the reason we lost that war, the sharks. And Obama. What’s this rectangle on a pole here, what is that? Why does my thumb look like a penis? Sharks are rigging the election. Vote for me as many times as you can, goodnight!”

Trump: I invented everything and made it famous

Donald Trump, pictured here being a narcissistic douchebag
“Coffee tables, no-one could put their coffee and coffee table books anywhere before that.”

“…Space, yeah, I invented that. I invented cars, I made them famous. I was the first person to put spaghetti with meatballs, not a lot of people know that. And computers. I made them famous, I invented them, invented the Microsoft, the Windows, you know. Elastic, tennis balls, smoke. I invented them. I invented smoke. Skin cream. I thought of that. No-one had thought of that until I thought of that. Birthday cards. People just used to go, you know, “Hey”, to people when it was their birthday until I invented the birthday card. First aid was one of mine. Before that there was only second aid. Gravel. Iceland. Peacocks. All mine. And let me tell you, I created reminders. Everyone, they’d forget things all the time until reminders came along. I did captions too. No-one knew what photographs were about until captions came along. I’m just naming things now, but then I invented naming things…”

Trump: “I knew George Floyd better than anyone”

Trump, proving you can put fake tan on a turd
Trump and his diverse team

“You know, thanks to me, the economy is looking great, jobs are looking great, I’m looking great, nobody’s talking about the 108,000 dead Americans, and I know my good friend George Lloyd would be enjoying this from wherever you religious guys like to believe he is now. Amen.

“I remember when me and Lorge were kids, playing in the park between Minnesota and New York and he said to me, he said “Donnie, when I die you gotta make the numbers work, you gotta fix the unemployment no matter what’s happening with the coronavirus, and you gotta dominate the battlespace. You gotta use my name, Donnie, but make sure it’s all about you. That’s the most important thing, Donnie,” he said, “You gotta make sure you look good.”

“And the other day when I personally cleared the crowds outside the White House, I knew my best friend Geord was looking down on me saying, “Good job Donnie. I always hated having human rights and that god-dammed constitution was a pain in my ass”. Well, we’re knocking over pensioners and tazing guys like you’ve never seen before, Florge, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m doing it for you, dead guy on the news, I’m doing it for you.

“So next time you’re in a protest or just minding your own business and you get murdered by a cop, remember they’re doing it to honour the memory of the man whose fault this all is, Floyd George. God Bless America.”

In time of desperation, Uncle Nutcase finds religion

Donald Trump trying to work out how to open a book
BOOK

“Got this book here. Not sure what it is. Looks old, though. Wait, there’s some writing on the side. Holly Bible. I wonder who she is. Did she write this? I wonder if she’s got a great pair of… hey, wait, is this the God book? The famous one? I’m gonna hold this up and let these assholes take pictures of me. That seems like a presidenty thing to do.”

Trump heals America with sticks

Donald Trump waves his tallywhacker around again
“Get off my lawn, I’ve got a photo-op to do”

“Thank you very much. My fellow Americans, I swore an oath to uphold the laws of our nation, and that is exactly what I am pretending to do. I am your President of Law and Order; I am your president of LA Law, that’s a great show. Harry Hamlin. I am your President of CSI: Miami, that guy with the sunglasses; I am your President of Blue Thunder; but, most importantly, I am your President of Nash Bridges. I am an ally of all peaceful protesters, and as you can hear behind me, I am currently teaching those protestors how to inhale tear gas and take a riot stick to the crotch.

“In recent days, our nation has been gripped by professional anarchists, violent mobs, arsonists, looters, criminals, rioters, antifa, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Innocent people have been savagely beaten, like the young people in the street over there being viciously attacked by dangerous thugs right now.

“These are not acts of peaceful protests. These are acts of domestic terror. Not like those white militia guys with semi-automatic weapons and fine beards who stand around in public places for no reason. They are very fine people. It’s those other people – you know what I’m talking about – nudge, nudge, wink wink. They’re the domestic terrorists because they won’t vote for me.

“One law and order. And that is what it is. One law. We have one beautiful law. One beautiful law that applies to you, but not to me or anyone who could incriminate me. We must never give in to anger or hatred, unless it’s against black people then it’s fine. Thank you very much and now I’m going to pay my respects to a very, very special place as I have the turtle’s head. Thank you very much.”

Trump: all about the numbers

Donald Trump mimics the position he assumes when he meets Vladimir Putin
Numbers numbers numbers numbers numbers numbers

“So the numbers are looking really good. We’re seeing great numbers, amazing numbers really, numbers like you’ve never seen before. Big numbers. Huge. You wouldn’t think the numbers could look this good with the shutdown, but they look great. People have been calling me up saying how good the numbers look. Big important people. Great numbers. Look, the numbers were never this good in the last administration but then I came in and now the numbers are fantastic. Next year is going to be a great year for the numbers. They’re going to be enormous. A million, a million five dead. Tremendous numbers.”