Coronavirus: five-stage alert system unveiled

Boris Johnson, rice pudding in a suit
Combed his hair, must be serious

Boris Johnson has today announced the government’s five-stage coronavirus alert system, which will indicate to the nation how vague the country’s current pandemic strategy is. The system will be administered by a new ‘joint biosecurity centre’, made up of a civil servant and a dart board.

The government's five-stage coronavirus alert system.
The five stages of doom

The alert levels range from green (level one) to red (level five). Each level signifies almost nothing, but will give First Secretary of State Dominic Raab something to point at during the government’s daily coronavirus briefings.

Asked to comment on how effective the system is expected to be, Johnson said: “Not as effective as our new slogan, obviously, but it at least makes it look like we’ve been doing something for the past week.”