Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase brainstorms at briefing

Donald Trump lays out his plans to combat the coronavirus with cosmic rays
This man is not a doctor

“…what you just heard Dr Faffengannet, uh, Mr Lampenpooper, Agent Spaceranger from the NSA say, is that sunlight is the key. Heat and sunlight. And disinfectant. Even though the virus may not come back in the winter, we’re trying to get the sun to stick around all year. Usually it just goes away for the winter, goes on vacation – can’t do that this year, can’t do that – so we’re hoping for big things.

“If that doesn’t work out there are other things we can do. We could maybe fly the sick people to the sun or invade the sun I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a doctor. I’m just spitballing here, even though you shouldn’t spit right now, or ever, it’s not nice. I spoke to the governor of Georgia earlier and he agreed with me that spitting isn’t nice, which was nice. He’s a great guy, that guy, no spitting, doesn’t spit. Great guy.

“And if the sun doesn’t work out that’s okay. We have these things called fires these days. Fires. They’re amazing really. A really powerful fire could maybe cure the sick people. Could we inject the people with fire, maybe pump it into the lungs, kill the virus? Is that doable, Dr Birx? I don’t know, I’m not an arsonist.

“And there’s the bleach, the disinfectant, the bleach. That kills the virus in a minute. A minute. Can you imagine? We could remove the lungs maybe, the lungs of the sick people, and wash them down with bleach. You see that in the movies but I don’t know if it works, I’m not an actor, though I used to be an actor. I was in Home Alone 2, big movie. I was the kid in that, did you know that? A lot of people thought I was the guy in the hotel but I was the kid. Some people said it was the best acting they’d ever seen, but the fake news said I was the guy in the hotel and they never gave me the Oscar. So I gave up the acting. I was very busy anyway.

“I know you fake news guys though, you’ll say the NSA, what do they know about viruses? Are you ready? My computer had a virus – not the corona, not the plague, but a virus – and they sent a guy and he cured my computer. Completely cured. No more virus. I should have had the Oscar that year…”

Coronavirus: Uncle Nutcase blows a gasket

Uncle Nutcase, pictured here blowing a gasket at his daily Coronavirus briefing
Ding dong

“…thank you Dr Fauci for that entirely voluntary statement about my perfect response to this virus, your family will be released without harm.

“The great job I’ve been doing defeating this virus bears no relation to the facts in the fake stories printed with the fake ink in the fake newspapers sold by fake people to fake readers – I’m looking at you, CNN – you print the worst stories I’ve ever seen on the radio.

“All you press guys are always saying how I was late dealing with this virus but my response started back in 1952 – which is a real year, you can look it up – way before anyone else knew it was a threat. I wasn’t the president then – many people thought I should have been, even though I was only eight years old, can you imagine, it would have been great – but I stopped all the planes flying from China, China, even though everybody said it was too soon, too soon.

“In 1973, way before I saw any of the memos I didn’t see, I declared a state of emergency and stopped all the planes to China again, that’s how good my reaction was, there were actually negative numbers of planes coming out of China, and I asked Boeing to make a billion masks, the N95 masks because they’re the best masks. We could have had the N94 masks but I said no. Boeing actually hung up on me, can you believe that? They hung up on me. It was amazing. I was amazed.

“Then in 1989 – 1989 – I began personally testing people for the virus, but you won’t see that in the fake news, I’m looking at you Cindy, you’re the worst – why can’t you guys print the truth, would it kill you to say something nice about me. I mean, if you don’t say something nice about me it might kill you but I’m joking, I’m joking.

“Now here’s a short 15 minute video my staff made without any prompting from me – they’re really great guys, really great – about how perfect my response to this virus has been. It has the genuine facts – genuine facts so true they aren’t even on the internet…”

Coronavirus: Trump saves the day

Trump saves the day
The very picture of health

“I spoke to the President of Coronavirus this morning on the phone. Beautiful phone call. He really is a great guy, he’s very misunderstood. He assured me that it was safe for everyone to go back to work and I believe him. Great guy. He told me, you know, I was doing a great job and I said the same to him. There’s a lot of fake news out there about Coronavirus – I’m looking at you, scientists – lots of scaremongering. But it’s time for everyone to get back to work. I just know it’s going to be great.”