“Hi, I’m Tucker Chip Scooter Mitt Remington Carlson Jr. III, host of top Fox News show Tucker Carlson Pisses on Your Existence, and I’m here to tell you that I am shocked – shocked – to discover that my head writer had secretly made racist comments on my script and that I had unknowingly read them out on the air to my 596 viewers.
“I had no way of knowing that the words I was speaking were hateful, privileged, profoundly ignorant and bigoted, and I want to reassure every single one of my viewers – who I know by name – that, despite the resignation of my head writer, there is no shortage of inadequate middle-aged white men with chips on their shoulders lining up to replace him.
“In the meantime the show will continue with me shouting ethnic slurs into the camera to own the libs, and I’ll probably throw in some misogyny just to mix it up. I’m Tucker Carlson, yes my hair is real, and you’re a piece of shit. Goodnight.”