“…China. China. China. I have the intelligence guys, the FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, BBC, NHS, the Secret Service, the Not-So Secret Service, the Extremely Secret Service, the CSI, PCP, LOL, BRB, OMG and WTF, all looking into China.
“My top medical experts and heads of intelligence and the fake news all tell me the virus occurred naturally but I have a friend, Mike – great guy, likes yachts – who saw a tweet about a movie where there was an outbreak, that the guy in the tweet hadn’t seen, who said they were doing something in a lab and something happened, and I gotta tell you, I was convinced. China has a lot to answer for and I have instructed my intelligence agencies to find proof that China let the virus out of a lab. I won’t accept any other theories, unless they involve aliens or some sort of genetically-enhanced super-puma.
“Let me tell you, even though there’s no evidence for China letting the virus out of a lab I’ve seen evidence that they did. I can’t tell you what that evidence is, even though I already have, so just forget what I said about that. China is responsible for all these people dying – not me – and we’re going to issue big punishments, very powerful punishments. We’re going to put tariffs and debt and sanctions in places like you’ve never seen. We’re going to withhold whatever it is we export to them and then the virus will just miraculously disappear. It’s going to be amazing, truly. Vote for me.”