PM refuses calls to sack Cummings, saying: ‘He infected with integrity’

Boris Johnson, pictured here losing the country
Stay alert, Control the virus, Not you Dom

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has backed his key adviser Dominic Cummings, who is facing allegations that he broke coronavirus lockdown rules, saying: “Despite the fact my chum Dom clearly broke the rules by taking a packed train to Durham for an ice-cream while displaying COVID-19 symptoms, he has acted responsibly, legally, and with integrity, even though he licked everyone on the train – twice – and repeatedly spat on the floor for the whole journey. I will not cum sackings – sack Cummings. He is a vital part of this government and he knows a lot of the really, really bad stuff I’ve done.”

Coronavirus: PM’s lockdown changes explained

Boris Johnson staying alert, staying alert, ah-ah-ah-ah, staying alert
Be alert – Britain needs lerts, etc.

The government’s new rules easing the country’s coronavirus lockdown have confused many people but, once the waffle is stripped away, it’s all pretty simple. Here’s a brief, clear summary of this new phase of coping with the pandemic:

Work

People will be able to return to work unless they shouldn’t in which case they won’t but, if you work in an industry, it is safe for you to work if that industry is one that is not allowed to re-open. If you need to use public transport to get to work, don’t, especially if some of the rules above might not apply to you. Work from home where possible, but don’t work from someone else’s home unless you are a burglar.

Home

People will be able to leave their homes as long as they do not go outside. Face coverings must be worn at some times but not at others. This is crucial. Unlimited outdoor exercise may be taken, but this should be limited to one unlimited exercise per day, lasting no longer that one hour or until it is time to go back inside, whichever is the best. If the conditions are right, it is important that you continue to go to the toilet.

Piece of cake

As you can see, it’s all quite straightforward. Most importantly of all, though, remember what Boris Johnson said: “We are beating this virus even as the infection rate continues to climb, but we must be alert. If you see the virus lurking in someone’s back yard or near a pensioner, call the police immediately”.

Britain past its peak, says Johnson

Boris Johnson, pictured here gaslighting a nation from his on-message lectern
So I said it’s 12 inches but I don’t use it as a rule

Holding his first news conference since recovering from COVID-19, British Prime Minster Boris Johnson has offered hope to locked-down Britons, saying “I can confirm today, that for the first time, I am pa… we are past the peak of this disease, and Britain is on the downward slope to success.

“A lot of people – the ones who haven’t died at least – have said that we have the second-highest official COVID-19 death toll in Europe. But to them, I say, thanks to people like me we are no longer part of Europe, so those statistics aren’t valid. The EU has made a terrible mess of its coronavirus response, and the mess I have made of our own shows us we don’t need Europe to screw things up for us when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves. Hooray.

“With that in mind, and with rising unemployment and many companies crippled, I promise next week to set out a lockdown exit strategy, which will most likely involve me lying on beach for a week. I’ve had coronavirus, you know, and I don’t need all this hassle.”

Coronavirus: Must-see lockdown TV

Bored with Homes Under the Hammer, bleak news and Marvel films? Here are five of the best new must-see TV shows to keep you entertained during the lockdown:

Jenson Button Cacks a Fireplace (Five): Follow ex-Formula 1 champion Jenson Button as he travels the world in search of the perfect fireplace to cack.

McShitehorse (Netflix): A hard-drinking lone wolf horse solves murders in this live action crime series.

Cash or Shark (Channel 4): Davina McCall hosts this high stakes game show. There are two boxes: pick one and win a fortune or lose a stomach.

Doctor Cockbox (Sky Atlantic): Benedict Cumberbatch stars in this U.S. drama about a man whose penis is a brain surgeon.

Are You Going to Finish That Sausage? (Dave): New sit-com from the creators of Feeble Mess, starring Nick Plinth as hapless local newspaper restaurant critic Ted Plankton, who writes under the pen name The Greedy Freeloader.

Coronavirus: Britain in lockdown

Boris Johnson looking pissed off because coronavirus means he has to do some work
Porridge and hay: the face of Britain

In an attempt to slow the spread of coronavirus, Britain has been ordered into lockdown, which in reality is far less dramatic than it sounds and generally involves a lot more sighing and watching stuff on YouTube.

The government’s extreme response to COVID-19 has shocked idiots sitting in Wetherspoons bragging about their spare bedroom full of hand sanitiser and dried pasta, who thought social distancing meant waiting an extra five minutes before replying to a text message.

The new rules mean that police are now able to shoot anyone who looks a bit peaky and can hand out fines to anyone they believe is thinking about coughing. Congregating on internet forums is banned, as is group messaging. The only exceptions to the lockdown are for:

  • Manufacturing toilet roll
  • Getting more toilet roll in
  • Going to the shops to ask when they’ll be getting more toilet roll in

In an attempt to address the toilet paper shortage, the NHS has issued advice reminding people that the Daily Mail is still being printed.