“First of all, I’d like to say that it’s good to be back at work after my battle with the coronavirus, from which I nearly died. But I’m not here to talk about that.
“This virus, which I had and which nearly killed me, is like an invisible mugger, stealing your health wallet and your stability smartphone and threatening you with a big disruption knife. This is the moment when we have begun, together, to wrestle it to the floor and kick it in the recovery nuts until it pukes up its contagion pelvis. In that sense, we have defied so many mugger-based predictions.
“We did not run out of ventilators or ICU beds. Despite my party’s best efforts, we did not allow our NHS to collapse, and on the contrary we have so far collectively shielded our NHS so that, armed with nothing more than three pairs of Marigold gloves and a bottle of supermarket own-brand bleach, our incredible doctors and nurses and healthcare staff have been able to shield all of us from an outbreak that would have been far worse.
“What that means is that we are obviously giving the NHS far too much money and I will be working urgently to provide a comprehensive program of cuts to ensure that never happens again. Hooray for me.”
Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove has hit back at criticism of Prime Minister Boris Johnson, telling journalists that no matter how lazy, useless, bigoted, clueless and self-serving his friend is, he’s been very ill and his lack of action should not be condemned.
Responding to a story in the Sunday Times that Johnson skipped the first five emergency coronavirus meetings because “he couldn’t be arsed”, and that chances to respond to the virus were missed, Gove said it was “grotesque” that facts were being used to discredit the Prime Minister’s credibility.
“Boris is a loveable sponge pudding of a man, and his recent brave battle with the coronavirus has made him a towering hero the likes of which this country hasn’t seen since John Major,” a tearful Gove shouted through the letterbox in the front door of his Knightsbridge home.
“Pointing out things like his not attending emergency meetings, his failing to understand the urgency of the virus outbreak, his inability to obtain supplies for the NHS, and the time he hit that child with his car while he was drunk may cause his coronavirus to come back and it will all be your fault, you awful monsters!”