Coronavirus: “Did I tell you I nearly died from Boris Johnson?”

Boris Johnson, pictured here scaring the frail
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In an exclusive interview with every newspaper in Britain, Boris Johnson has revealed that he nearly died from coronavirus. “I nearly died from coronavirus,” he shouted from a window in Downing Street to anyone within earshot.

“What happened was, I had coronavirus and I nearly died from it. The situation was so dire, plans were drawn up to milk my near death from coronavirus for everything it was worth in order to stave off criticism of my handling of the pandemic.”

When Johnson’s son was born, shortly after his recovery, he viewed it as a miracle. “I realised, having just nearly died from coronavirus, this was the perfect opportunity to extract as much good will from the public as possible. Naming the kid after the doctors was the icing on the cake.”

Asked about his response to the coronavirus, Johnson said, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to hide from my responsibilities. Did I tell you I nearly died from coronavirus? I named my son after the doctors. Let’s give £350 million a week to the NHS. Would you like the keys to my car?”