Coronavirus: five-stage alert system unveiled

Boris Johnson, rice pudding in a suit
Combed his hair, must be serious

Boris Johnson has today announced the government’s five-stage coronavirus alert system, which will indicate to the nation how vague the country’s current pandemic strategy is. The system will be administered by a new ‘joint biosecurity centre’, made up of a civil servant and a dart board.

The government's five-stage coronavirus alert system.
The five stages of doom

The alert levels range from green (level one) to red (level five). Each level signifies almost nothing, but will give First Secretary of State Dominic Raab something to point at during the government’s daily coronavirus briefings.

Asked to comment on how effective the system is expected to be, Johnson said: “Not as effective as our new slogan, obviously, but it at least makes it look like we’ve been doing something for the past week.”

Coronavirus: Russian doctors discover alarming COVID-19 phenomenon

Russian President Vladimir Putin reacts to the news that doctors are falling out of windows
Russian President Vladimir Putin reacts to the news that doctors are falling out of windows

A new side effect of COVID-19 has been discovered by doctors in Russia, who have found that expressing concern about the government’s handling of the pandemic will often be accompanied by a feeling of falling out of a window.

One doctor, who tested positive for coronavirus, was gripped with the urge to criticise the country’s response to the health crisis on social media. He later complained of serious head injuries and broken bones after unexpectedly self-defenestrating with no witnesses.

And in separate incidents two more doctors – both asymptomatic – who raised similar concerns about the management of the outbreak died after experiencing the newly discovered side effect.

“It’s so strange,” one medical professional said, while mysteriously falling out of a window, “But there have been no reports of these symptoms in any other countryyyyyy.”