President Trump appeared on TV yesterday speaking from a jacuzzi of hand sanitiser to tell his fellow Americans through a haze of cigar smoke that he is the world’s leading expert on coronavirus. He then went on to give the following new advice on how to avoid infection:
- Don’t breathe unless absolutely necessary
- Stay indoors at all times. If possible build another house inside your existing house and stay in that
- Locate any world maps you own and draw a big cross through Italy
Trump concluded his remarks by telling people they can conduct their own COVID-19 test by sticking a pencil up their nose and spitting into a paper bag. They should then wait for 30 minutes before writing the word ‘negative’ on the bag. Stay safe, America.