Coronavirus: NHS staff told to re-use equipment they don’t have

Health Secretary Matt Hancock pictured here being ineffective
Stay home, protect the NHS, because we can’t

Mild waft Matt Hancock has told NHS staff they must bring their own equipment in from home in order to continue the fight against COVID-19.

Spoons, oven gloves, shower caps, washing-up liquid, hosepipes, bleach, tweezers and sellotape will all be pressed into service, Hancock said, after admitting he had been sniped in an eBay auction for personal protective equipment (PPE) on Thursday while he was having his tea.

“It turns out that buying medical equipment during a global pandemic is really hard,” Hancock told his mum in a phone call late last night. “All I’ve managed to get in three months is an empty cardboard box with the word ‘ventilator’ written on it and 3000 copies of The Mask on DVD.”

Hancock has also announced plans to use the £20 million raised by 99-year-old war veteran Tom Moore to build a warehouse for storing PPE.

Coronavirus: Matt Hancock unveils plans to unveil plans

Secretary of State for Planning Matt Hancock announcing government plans to ramp up planning
Matt Hancock, not to be confused with millinery-themed male stripper Hat Mancock

Clammy flannel Matt Hancock announced yesterday the UK government’s plans to announce plans to put in place plans to unveil plans to deal with plans relating to plans the government is planning to plan.

“We understand we have failed to do anything remotely useful,” Hancock told comatose journalists at today’s planning briefing, “but we are planning to ramp up plans to deal with the planned spike in planning we are planning to see in order to fix the rising planning curve we are experiencing through the fruition of our plans to plan plans.

“This should enable us to reduce significantly the number of plans we are seeing daily, though it has been brought to our attention that some areas of planning may have been under-reported and there may be plans we have failed to take into account. We have a plan to deal with this. Several, in fact.

“With regard to the PPE – the Personal Planning Equipment – we are planning to distribute pens and paper to the frontline planners as soon as we have a plan on how to do that.”

When questioned about the large numbers of people in the UK who have died from the coronavirus, Hancock admitted, “We hadn’t planned for that.”

Coronavirus: CNN shows New York Governor’s latest briefing

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's latest coronavirus briefing, as shown on CNN
Oh shit

“…Ventilators ventilators ventilators. Ventilators. Give me ventilators. If you got ventilators and you don’t want to give me the ventilators I personally guarantee – I personally guarantee – that I will come to your hospital and I will punch you in the nuts. If we get ventilators then ba-da-boom-ba-da-bing we got ventilators. Masks – we don’t have masks. It’s a mask. How hard is it to make a mask? I could pull masks out of my freakin’ ass but the goddam federal government couldn’t find a mask in its own ass with both hands and a torch! And gowns! I mean look at the gowns – they look like crap. Can’t we get some gowns that don’t look like they’re made out of freakin’ toilet paper or something? This isn’t rocket science, people – what do I gotta do to get some freakin’ PPE? What? Hey, I’m walking here!”