A girl scout poses with President Donald Trump during a ceremony organised by the president in the Rose Garden of the White House to recognise him as “Best President Ever”, Friday, May 15, 2020, in Washington. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon).
“…thank you Dr Fauci for that entirely voluntary statement about my perfect response to this virus, your family will be released without harm.
“The great job I’ve been doing defeating this virus bears no relation to the facts in the fake stories printed with the fake ink in the fake newspapers sold by fake people to fake readers – I’m looking at you, CNN – you print the worst stories I’ve ever seen on the radio.
“All you press guys are always saying how I was late dealing with this virus but my response started back in 1952 – which is a real year, you can look it up – way before anyone else knew it was a threat. I wasn’t the president then – many people thought I should have been, even though I was only eight years old, can you imagine, it would have been great – but I stopped all the planes flying from China, China, even though everybody said it was too soon, too soon.
“In 1973, way before I saw any of the memos I didn’t see, I declared a state of emergency and stopped all the planes to China again, that’s how good my reaction was, there were actually negative numbers of planes coming out of China, and I asked Boeing to make a billion masks, the N95 masks because they’re the best masks. We could have had the N94 masks but I said no. Boeing actually hung up on me, can you believe that? They hung up on me. It was amazing. I was amazed.
“Then in 1989 – 1989 – I began personally testing people for the virus, but you won’t see that in the fake news, I’m looking at you Cindy, you’re the worst – why can’t you guys print the truth, would it kill you to say something nice about me. I mean, if you don’t say something nice about me it might kill you but I’m joking, I’m joking.
“Now here’s a short 15 minute video my staff made without any prompting from me – they’re really great guys, really great – about how perfect my response to this virus has been. It has the genuine facts – genuine facts so true they aren’t even on the internet…”
President Trump appeared on TV yesterday speaking from a jacuzzi of hand sanitiser to tell his fellow Americans through a haze of cigar smoke that he is the world’s leading expert on coronavirus. He then went on to give the following new advice on how to avoid infection:
- Don’t breathe unless absolutely necessary
- Stay indoors at all times. If possible build another house inside your existing house and stay in that
- Locate any world maps you own and draw a big cross through Italy
Trump concluded his remarks by telling people they can conduct their own COVID-19 test by sticking a pencil up their nose and spitting into a paper bag. They should then wait for 30 minutes before writing the word ‘negative’ on the bag. Stay safe, America.