Coronavirus: Queen to address nation from space

The Queen, who will address the nation from space on Easter Sunday
Her Majesty The Queen wearing her specially commissioned space hat

The Queen is expected to reiterate her message that we’re all in this together on Sunday when she addresses the nation from her luxury sterile Queen Pod in geostationary orbit 22,000 miles above Buckingham Palace.

It’s believed Her Majesty was launched into space on Tuesday from a secret base in Hampshire used only during national emergencies. She was apparently sprayed with bleach before being placed inside the solid gold capsule and fired to safety.

The Queen has previously said that the Royal Family is ready to play its part in helping the country through the coronavirus crisis.

It’s understood that Prince Charles, self-isolating on a private beach in Bermuda with his wife Camilla, is ready to appear via video link at any time to open flagship hospitals or morgues. The Duke of Edinburgh will also be placed on standby to look concerned from a safe distance.

Prince William and his wife Prince William’s Wife have announced they will both be waving from home this coming week, but will join the Queen at space church over the weekend.

Meanwhile, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, though not performing royal duties, will launch a range of Harry and Meghan branded COVID-19 t-shirts on Monday featuring the slogan “Coronavirus world tour 2020”.

Coronavirus: shock as posh person tests positive

Coronavirus: this posh person has tested positive
A posh person

The world of posh people was rocked today as one of the poshest people in Britain tested positive for coronavirus. The 71 year old posh person, who is known to mix with other posh people – including members of his posh family – was diagnosed with the illness on Tuesday after showing mild symptoms over the weekend.

A spokesman for the posh person said that, despite only showing mild symptoms, the posh person and his posh wife had met the criteria for testing by being both posh and important. “This disease does not discriminate between posh people and commoners,” the spokesman said. “And that’s the worst kind of disease.”

The posh person’s mother, considered to be very important by people who consider posh people to be important, is believed to be in good health as she has never done a hard day’s work in her life.