Boris puts dick in box

A statue of Winston Churchill inside a box in London, like a fat racist David Blaine
I’m a Churchill in a box, I’m a Churchill in a concrete box…

Boris Johnson has claimed anti-racism protests in the UK have been “hijacked by extremists intent on being against racism”.

“Racism has served me very well in the past few years,” Johnson told a group of people who were probably journalists, “And I’m not about to turn my back on it when I’ll need it to get me through the next round of Brexit talks. Also, like my hero Winston Churchill, I am a massive racist.”

The prime minister said it was “absurd and shameful” that a statue of Winston Churchill was “at risk of attack” by protesters as it only represented “the good World War II things about the man and not the forced-sterilisation-advocating Indian-hating Irish-hating genocidal racist things that anti-racist people insist on remembering.

“Yes, he sometimes expressed opinions that were and are unacceptable to people who aren’t me, and he was responsible for starving millions of people to death, but he was a hero, not just a fucking maniac, and he fully deserves his memorial. To that end I’ve made sure Churchill will be doing the same thing I’ll be doing: hiding in a box until all this is over.”

Trump heals America with sticks

Donald Trump waves his tallywhacker around again
“Get off my lawn, I’ve got a photo-op to do”

“Thank you very much. My fellow Americans, I swore an oath to uphold the laws of our nation, and that is exactly what I am pretending to do. I am your President of Law and Order; I am your president of LA Law, that’s a great show. Harry Hamlin. I am your President of CSI: Miami, that guy with the sunglasses; I am your President of Blue Thunder; but, most importantly, I am your President of Nash Bridges. I am an ally of all peaceful protesters, and as you can hear behind me, I am currently teaching those protestors how to inhale tear gas and take a riot stick to the crotch.

“In recent days, our nation has been gripped by professional anarchists, violent mobs, arsonists, looters, criminals, rioters, antifa, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Innocent people have been savagely beaten, like the young people in the street over there being viciously attacked by dangerous thugs right now.

“These are not acts of peaceful protests. These are acts of domestic terror. Not like those white militia guys with semi-automatic weapons and fine beards who stand around in public places for no reason. They are very fine people. It’s those other people – you know what I’m talking about – nudge, nudge, wink wink. They’re the domestic terrorists because they won’t vote for me.

“One law and order. And that is what it is. One law. We have one beautiful law. One beautiful law that applies to you, but not to me or anyone who could incriminate me. We must never give in to anger or hatred, unless it’s against black people then it’s fine. Thank you very much and now I’m going to pay my respects to a very, very special place as I have the turtle’s head. Thank you very much.”

Brexit 50p ono

Brexit 50p, as held by an idiot
Fuck off

Nothing says Brexit better than a bunch of idiots gloating over a senseless victory with a meaningless symbol. First blue passports and now a gaslighting commemorative 50p coin celebrating “Peace, prosperity and friendship with all nations” following nearly four years of bitterness, employment uncertainty, and open racism and nationalism. At least a 52p coin would have shown a bit of imagination.

The White Engine

As Donald Trump gallops over democracy on a fascist horse that looks like Vladimir Putin, barely sentient third division footballer Stephen Yaxley Lennon is hailed as the “backbone of this country” by far-right crap-stick Steve Bannon, and Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Jacob Rees-Mogg fight for the right to captain a completely needless Brexit toward the unforgiving rocks of Clusterfuck Island, it’s worth wondering: why shouldn’t you get into a cupboard, curl up in a ball and hide there for the rest of your life?

It’s a good question. Aside from starving to death or dying of thirst, there are other practical reasons why hiding in a cupboard won’t work. When Rees-Mogg’s Well-Dressed Dystopian Nazi Steampunk Top-Hat Death Squads come knocking on your door, for example, your cupboards are one of the first places they’ll look for you.

“What are you doing in that cupboard?” they’ll say.

“Everything is awful and I can’t take it any more,” you’ll say.

“Ah, we know whose fault that is,” they’ll say. “Come with us,” they’ll say.

So before that happens, get out of your cupboard and have a good look out of your window at the queasy gobfarts who are threatening to barf up a dismal new wave of fascist hate chunks.

Donald Trump
Bewildering small-handed real estate hairdo, reality TV presenter, golfer and part-time President of the United States (at time of writing), Donald Trump is known for his love of treason, money, racism and himself. He has been under the control of Russia and syphilitic brain worms since 1998.

Vladimir Putin
President of Russia, megalomaniac slaphead, low-rent Bond villain and pectoral exhibitionist Vlad is, for reasons of declining mental health, intent on pulling the world to bits for a laugh, using gullible narcissistic wankbats like Donald Trump and some of the humanoid shitwizards mentioned below. Vlad’s hobbies include murdering people and getting away with it and taking his shirt off and riding horsies.

Steve Bannon
Bannon, former chief strategist to Donald Trump and collection of animated dandruff, is a globe-trotting fascist who has visited Britain and met with Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Michael Gove, three of Brexit’s most punchable proponents. He pops up from time to time like a boil or an unwanted erection, sticking his finger into the bumhole of far-right politics in the hope of tickling populism’s prostate.

Boris Johnson
Johnson’s career as the UK’s favourite humorous bumbling adulterous racist stood him in good stead when it came to lying his arse off during the Brexit campaign where he claimed that, by remaining in the EU, the UK would be forced to make square apples in Brussels sweatshops and to adopt the kilo as its unit of currency. By leaving he said, via a large bus, the NHS could receive an extra £360 million per week – a statement he made while pushing a foreign nurse into a wood chipper on live TV.

Jacob Rees-Mogg
Odious arsepencil Jacob Rees-Mogg is a passionate supporter of Brexit, the 1950s, workhouses, cholera, and pea-soupers. Still bitter after being fired from his position as Thin Controller during the privatisation of the railways, Rees-Mogg won’t rest until every employed person in Britain isn’t any more.

Michael Gove
Tiny, puny little Michael Gove is widely thought to be a harmless little shit which is why he’s most likely, post-Brexit, to become Prime Minister of the smouldering what’s left of the United Kingdom.

Stephen Yaxley Lennon
Whimpering spud Tommy Robinson is such a man of the people he doesn’t even use his real name because it sounds too posh. He is too wearyingly dismal to even contemplate.

Nigel Farage
Nigel intends to distance himself from the coming stupidity war until he deems it safe to emerge and sell chocolate and nylons from under his camel-hair coat.