Britain past its peak, says Johnson

Boris Johnson, pictured here gaslighting a nation from his on-message lectern
So I said it’s 12 inches but I don’t use it as a rule

Holding his first news conference since recovering from COVID-19, British Prime Minster Boris Johnson has offered hope to locked-down Britons, saying “I can confirm today, that for the first time, I am pa… we are past the peak of this disease, and Britain is on the downward slope to success.

“A lot of people – the ones who haven’t died at least – have said that we have the second-highest official COVID-19 death toll in Europe. But to them, I say, thanks to people like me we are no longer part of Europe, so those statistics aren’t valid. The EU has made a terrible mess of its coronavirus response, and the mess I have made of our own shows us we don’t need Europe to screw things up for us when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves. Hooray.

“With that in mind, and with rising unemployment and many companies crippled, I promise next week to set out a lockdown exit strategy, which will most likely involve me lying on beach for a week. I’ve had coronavirus, you know, and I don’t need all this hassle.”