Coronavirus: NHS staff told to re-use equipment they don’t have

Health Secretary Matt Hancock pictured here being ineffective
Stay home, protect the NHS, because we can’t

Mild waft Matt Hancock has told NHS staff they must bring their own equipment in from home in order to continue the fight against COVID-19.

Spoons, oven gloves, shower caps, washing-up liquid, hosepipes, bleach, tweezers and sellotape will all be pressed into service, Hancock said, after admitting he had been sniped in an eBay auction for personal protective equipment (PPE) on Thursday while he was having his tea.

“It turns out that buying medical equipment during a global pandemic is really hard,” Hancock told his mum in a phone call late last night. “All I’ve managed to get in three months is an empty cardboard box with the word ‘ventilator’ written on it and 3000 copies of The Mask on DVD.”

Hancock has also announced plans to use the £20 million raised by 99-year-old war veteran Tom Moore to build a warehouse for storing PPE.