Coronavirus: Boris Johnson returns to work

Boris Johnson, who returned to work today after lounging around in bed for a week
Boris Johnson, who has definitely had coronavirus

“First of all, I’d like to say that it’s good to be back at work after my battle with the coronavirus, from which I nearly died. But I’m not here to talk about that.

“This virus, which I had and which nearly killed me, is like an invisible mugger, stealing your health wallet and your stability smartphone and threatening you with a big disruption knife. This is the moment when we have begun, together, to wrestle it to the floor and kick it in the recovery nuts until it pukes up its contagion pelvis. In that sense, we have defied so many mugger-based predictions.

“We did not run out of ventilators or ICU beds. Despite my party’s best efforts, we did not allow our NHS to collapse, and on the contrary we have so far collectively shielded our NHS so that, armed with nothing more than three pairs of Marigold gloves and a bottle of supermarket own-brand bleach, our incredible doctors and nurses and healthcare staff have been able to shield all of us from an outbreak that would have been far worse.

“What that means is that we are obviously giving the NHS far too much money and I will be working urgently to provide a comprehensive program of cuts to ensure that never happens again. Hooray for me.”