“I’ll fucking cut you, you old fucker!”
The Queen is expected to reiterate her message that we’re all in this together on Sunday when she addresses the nation from her luxury sterile Queen Pod in geostationary orbit 22,000 miles above Buckingham Palace.
It’s believed Her Majesty was launched into space on Tuesday from a secret base in Hampshire used only during national emergencies. She was apparently sprayed with bleach before being placed inside the solid gold capsule and fired to safety.
The Queen has previously said that the Royal Family is ready to play its part in helping the country through the coronavirus crisis.
It’s understood that Prince Charles, self-isolating on a private beach in Bermuda with his wife Camilla, is ready to appear via video link at any time to open flagship hospitals or morgues. The Duke of Edinburgh will also be placed on standby to look concerned from a safe distance.
Prince William and his wife Prince William’s Wife have announced they will both be waving from home this coming week, but will join the Queen at space church over the weekend.
Meanwhile, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, though not performing royal duties, will launch a range of Harry and Meghan branded COVID-19 t-shirts on Monday featuring the slogan “Coronavirus world tour 2020”.
The world of posh people was rocked today as one of the poshest people in Britain tested positive for coronavirus. The 71 year old posh person, who is known to mix with other posh people – including members of his posh family – was diagnosed with the illness on Tuesday after showing mild symptoms over the weekend.
A spokesman for the posh person said that, despite only showing mild symptoms, the posh person and his posh wife had met the criteria for testing by being both posh and important. “This disease does not discriminate between posh people and commoners,” the spokesman said. “And that’s the worst kind of disease.”
The posh person’s mother, considered to be very important by people who consider posh people to be important, is believed to be in good health as she has never done a hard day’s work in her life.
“My husband and I are as concerned as you about the COVID-19 Coronavirus, as leading epidemiologists have informed us that it affects posh people too.
“We know this is a period of great concern and uncertainty but it will be of some comfort to you, I’m sure, to know that my family and I have access to the best doctors. As Philip often says, “I’m worth three of any of those barbarians out there”, so you can rest assured that our health will be prioritised over yours.
“Much like you, I have received delivery of 14 tons of lavatory paper, which has been distributed to each of my 78 bathrooms here at Buckingham Palace before we leave for Balmoral tomorrow. Once there we will be kept in complete safety, with ample Andrex, until all one’s loyal subjects have recovered or, more likely, died.
“Also, much like you, I shall be working from one of one’s homes, launching ships over the internet and asking one’s subjects on Skype what it is they do. One shall attempt to stave off boredom by counting one’s money and watching Palaces Under the Hammer on my exclusive BBC channel, paid for with your licence fee.
“At times such as these, one is reminded that our nation has been forged by people less rich than I at our family’s behest and now, more than any time in our recent past, it is clear you did not do a good enough job. Today, and in the coming days, weeks and months, please remember to stay away from Philip and I. Thank you.”